


distance

by zucchinis (bc_bread)



Category: The Half of It (2020)
Genre: F/F, Space!AU
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-03-03 00:48:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 33,602
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24306199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bc_bread/pseuds/zucchinis
Summary: Ever since Ellie could remember, she had been fascinated with space. There was something about the enormity of it all, she’d described countless times to anyone who asked. The enormity of being in the middle of something that had no end that anyone could define. The fact that it could stretch on and on and on, and there were corners humans could never hope to reach in their lifetimes. The new frontier, she’d always insisted. Sitting right at our doorstep.- - - - - -Or the one where Ellie and Aster still find their way to each other despite being light years apart.
Relationships: Ellie Chu & Aster Flores & Paul Munsky, Ellie Chu & Paul Munsky, Ellie Chu/Aster Flores
Comments: 97
Kudos: 253





	1. between earth to space

**Author's Note:**

> do i know anything about space? heck no. did i do research for this? only a little. will i entertain people pointing out my pseudo-science and inaccuracies? honey, i barely study for school projects. 
> 
> have some fluff and some bittersweet elliester (is that the ship name? who knows)

Ever since Ellie could remember, she had been fascinated with space. There was something about the enormity of it all, she’d described countless times to anyone who asked. The enormity of being in the middle of something that had no end that anyone could define. The fact that it could stretch on and on and on, and there were corners humans could never hope to reach in their lifetimes. The new frontier, she’d always insisted. Sitting right at our doorstep. 

It was no surprise to anyone that Ellie had signed up for the Space Academy as soon as she could. A global initiative, humanity had banded together its resources and knowledge in order to explore the new horizons beyond the Milky Way. Made up of the world’s brightest scientists, astronauts, engineers - Ellie Chu fit right in amongst the eggheads, as her best friend Paul Munsky liked to say. “Nerds in space,” he would joke. “The real aliens of Earth.” 

Ellie had put her heart and soul into becoming an astronaut. She had liked the idea of being one of the first people to ever explore beyond their galaxy, but that dream ended the day she blew out her knee. The physiotherapy alone would have taken two years, and even the Academy’s top doctors couldn’t guarantee she would ever be back to peak health.

And so Ellie had a good cry over the loss of her dream for the next week or so, before taking her father’s advice and finding a new one. She found her salvation in plants, and the bioengineering department seemed as great a place as any to begin. Ellie had always been smart; she had to be, in order to keep up with the other astronauts, all of whom had been sad to see her go. But her new colleagues in the labs looked at her with the same degree of reverence. 

Which is why it made her laugh to know that they were jealous of her current posting. Monitoring the progress of their terraforming bacteria on the rock of a distant moon, Ellie had spent nearly 240 days in space, simply staring at rock and cultivating her plants. If only they knew, Ellie chuckled wryly, as she checked her terminal once again for any new mission updates. 

(There weren’t.)

(So far her orders were to pretty much stay the course.)

“Bet they still would trade their left leg to be in your shuttle, huh?” Ellie shook her head at the voice coming through her comms. “Losers.” 

“‘The real aliens of Earth’,” she quoted with no small degree of irony. Lieutenant Aster Flores of the Ninth Brigade chuckled, and the radio crackled with her sigh. 

“How  _ is _ Paul doing? You haven’t mentioned him lately.” Lieutenant Flores had heard enough of Ellie's only best friend, and had even messaged him once on Ellie’s behalf when her long-range transmitter had been down. “Did you ever find out how his date went?” 

Being that far out in space, there was often a delay of weeks in communications between Earth and her tiny space station in the middle of nowhere. Ellie had once joked that her and Paul were like distant lovers, separated by the Atlantic in the early days of postage. 

Ellie would always be grateful for Paul. He was her anchor, quite literally. Her Academy doctor had stressed the importance of keeping contact with her civilian family and friends in order to not lose her mind due to isolation during her mission. 

If only he knew. Ellie didn’t have time to feel lonely with Aster around. 

“No, it’s still in transit with the next bunch of updates from Central.” Ellie grinned at the thought. “Think they’re going to fulfill your request for the entire Bee Gees discography in this next tranche?” 

“They better.” Ellie imagined the Lieutenant smiling. “I did not haul my entire team’s ass up here to have to deal with scientifically-proven meditation sessions on repeat.” 

Lieutenant Aster Flores had become an unexpected confidante during her mission. Assigned to her sector as security, the Lieutenant basically ran cargo to and from the drop-off terminals at the edge of the galaxy to the number of space stations and shuttles in their sector. Ellie had never met the Lieutenant in person, but they had struck up an unlikely friendship. Ellie had no idea how she’d managed that one. 

“I’m just excited for the reports on the CHARON project.” Ellie nearly clapped her hands in her excitement. Aster groaned. 

“Is this going to be like the time I brought you that new plant strain and I didn’t hear from you for like, two days because you were so engrossed in studying them?” Ellie rolled her eyes. Aster could be such a baby sometimes. 

“I’ll tell you what,” Ellie offered as she pushed off towards her bunk. “I’ll read them aloud to you. That way you’ll know I’m alive and taking breaks and all that other stuff you’re obviously worried about.” 

“Sounds like my worst nightmare,” Aster deadpanned. “But I’ll take it.” 

Ellie grinned. She had expected more arguing, but she was excited Aster was keen on listening to Ellie talk about something that she loved. “Yay.” She strapped herself into her bunk and reached for the lights. As the shuttle shifted into its night cycle, Ellie enjoyed the view she had through the wide windows of the cockpit. Poseidon, the rock she was meant to be monitoring, was a tiny thing in comparison to the dwarf planet they’d nicknamed Hell’s Balls, because of its high volcanic activity and proximity to this galaxy’s sun. The asteroid belt that ringed the planet looked gorgeous from this distance, and Ellie enjoyed imagining herself swimming through the rocks during flights of fancy. She sighed dreamily as she sunk deeper into her pillow. 

“You turning in for the night?” Aster’s voice was soft as it crackled over the radio. “It  _ is _ a little late for you to be up.” 

“Well, when a pretty girl is talking to you, you don’t cut the conversation short,” Ellie said casually, closing her eyes. Aster groaned, but Ellie imagined that she was amused. 

“You’re wrong. I’m actually a hag.” 

“Doubtful.” Ellie was beginning to fall asleep, tired out from her long day. She’d been experimenting on her plants all day, and had barely remembered to stop for lunch and dinner at Aster’s insistence. “You have such a pretty laugh. I’m sure it matches the rest of you.”

There was a long moment of silence during which Ellie fell asleep to dreams of floating endlessly through space. She didn’t hear the whispered goodnight from Aster. 

(A couple of light years away, a blushing woman told off a colleague for pointing out her red cheeks.) 

(She lay in her own bunk dreaming of a warm voice and keen mind.) 

\- - - - - 

Ellie and Aster played chess together, sometimes. It had begun as a joke, that Aster had a photographic memory that she didn’t really know what to do with. She sometimes painted, when the resources were available to her. Mostly she drew. Ellie had pestered her once, to see some of her sketches. Aster had left one in a drop-off. 

It was a beautiful landscape. The town she’d grown up in, Aster had explained. A view of it from a vantage point she used to hike up to when she needed her mind to be quiet and she wanted to feel small. Ellie had wanted to ask her why she needed to feel these things, why she had to find that peace in a specific place far away from home. But she didn’t. 

Ellie could appreciate the thought. She, herself, luxuriated in her mission. Away from the world, away from other people with only her plants and her rocks and the stars she so dreamed of being among as a child. Ellie found peace in her isolation, and she supposed that was the feeling Aster was chasing. 

Aster had gotten flustered when Ellie admitted she had the picture taped to the wall next to her bunk. First thing she saw when she woke up, one of the last things she appreciated before going to bed. It was sappy, but it made Ellie feel closer to the Lieutenant. 

“Pawn to E4.” Ellie blinked at the unprompted announcement. She let go of the flask she was holding onto and drifted to the cabinet she’d taped her rudimentary chess board to. She’d appropriated an old fire safety manual for it, drawing over it with shaky lines. What was the point of knowing what to do with fire in space, she’d maintained. If anything  _ were _ to catch fire, she’d be dead. It was much better put to use as a chess board. 

“Are you sure that’s what you want to do?” Ellie drew the movement, and frowned. She didn’t recognise the move that Aster was trying to play here, and was wary of falling into a trap. “I’ll take it with my bishop. That’ll leave your Queen undefended.” 

“Why, Ms Chu,” Aster’s amusement was clear over the crackling of the radio. “Are you saying you think I’m throwing this match?” Cramped into the margins of the paper was a series of tallies. Ellie was in the lead with four wins, and Aster always maintained she was playing the long game. One day, she’d taunted after winning a match in a brilliant gambit that paid off. One day she’d make her best play, and Ellie wouldn’t know what hit her. 

“I’m saying you’re leaving yourself open.” Ellie contemplated her choices. “What game are you playing?” 

“The one that’ll pay off in the long run.” Aster chuckled. “I thought I’d be bold with that move. Get you thinking a little.” Ellie rolled her eyes. Aster was a worthy opponent; all she had been doing with these games was make Ellie think. “I won’t be able to talk for a while. We’re doing a fuel run back to the Milky Way. The freight that’s normally scheduled for that drop-off wasn’t able to launch, so the Ninth Brigade is pulling the slack.” 

Ellie paused in deliberating her next move. “Oh.” Aster sometimes went radio silent. Long cargo runs like that, or carrying out some reconnaissance mission that Ellie wasn’t cleared to know about. She was always good about letting Ellie know about them in advance though. Which Ellie appreciated. 

(It wasn’t like she would miss Aster during that period or anything.)

(She was just used to being bothered, is all.)

“Milky Way, huh?” Ellie tried to inject some enthusiasm into her voice. “Bring me back a flower, will you?” 

“You and I both know it wouldn’t survive the trip.” There was a crackle of static before Aster returned. “Don’t go making any sudden moves without me. I’ll be back before you know it.” It’d be at least two weeks to get there and back, Ellie knew. Before their… friendship, Ellie wouldn’t have even noticed time passing for that long. But Ellie knew now that she was going to struggle to find things to do. 

“Please tell me that the reports have come through, at least.” 

Aster giggled. “I was just about to say. Head to the drop-off - I’ve snuck in something great in case you got bored.” 

“Cool.” Ellie swallowed as she reached out to stop her flask from knocking against the wall of the cockpit. “Drive safe, or whatever the equivalent is.” 

“Always.” Aster sounded sincere, and for some reason that settled the nerves a little. “I’ll see you when I get back.” 

“See you.” Ellie heard the comm link close, and found herself staring at Poseidon. Well, she mused. Sounded like she had some mail to pick up. 

\- - - - - 

Accessing the drop-off terminal was her favourite thing to do. It was the only time she was allowed to put her astronaut training to use, since the terminal actually orbited around her little station. So Ellie would strap herself into her space suit and slide into her little pod to shuttle herself to the drop point to pick up her packages. Harddrives, mostly. Data stored in little cartridges she’d pop into her terminal and peruse endlessly. Sometimes, it was equipment for her experiments. Even rarer still, actual books.

That last one had been a surprise from Aster. “Yes, I know you can get the PDFs on the drives,” she’d groused when Ellie had brought it up the first time. “But you telling me you don’t miss the smell of a good book?” 

“You know our sense of smell doesn’t work the same way in space,” Ellie had chided. “But thank you.” Ellie had thumbed through the copy of Olivia E. Butler’s  _ The Parable of the Sower _ , enjoying the feel of actual paper flicking over her fingertips again. “I’ll let you know when I’m done.” 

“No rush,” Aster had replied, casual as ever. “You’re going to like this one. I hope.” 

And Ellie had. 

\- - - - - 

This time, Aster had left more than just a book. “No fucking way,” Ellie breathed as she struggled out of her space suit in the airlock with one hand. “How did she -” 

In her hands was an honest to goodness Walkman CD player. It had been obsolete even when they had been growing up on Earth, and Ellie had struggled to search for a working one during her teenage years after her father’s one finally gave up the ghost. She’d mentioned it once, how she used to love making her own mix tapes in the early days of the internet. Music had been her refuge, growing up. A way to silence all the bullies and find some of that peace she’d longed for. 

Ellie wondered what exactly Aster had to do in order to get this cleared for space-travel. The Academy obviously had to be very strict about what they allowed into space, and the general rule of ‘no frivolities’ applied. She wished she could reach out to the Lieutenant and ask. But Aster was currently enroute to the Milky Way, and really, Ellie should have been able to go at least a day without her. 

Rummaging through the capsule to make sure she didn’t miss anything, she was surprised there weren’t any albums in there. Frowning, Ellie popped open the player and gasped at the sight of a mixtape in childish handwriting. She was so going to give Aster grief for this, she decided. This was too much effort to have gone through for a hermit scientist sitting in the shadow of a pile of rock. 

But until she could tell Aster that, Ellie was going to enjoy every bit of this experience. 

\- - - - - 

“Ellie Chu. Calling Ellie Chu. Come in, Ellie Chu.” 

Ellie startled at the sound of Aster’s voice, having gotten used to the silence over the past two weeks. She dropped whatever she had been holding as she floated eagerly over to the front of the cabin, reaching out with her foot when she was close enough to flip her comms unit on. Aster continued calling out to her, growing increasingly amused with the sheer amount of variations she could come up with to get Ellie’s attention. It was only because Ellie was in the safety of her own ship and Aster couldn’t see her that she allowed a wide smile to cross her face. 

“Yes, Lieutenant Flores. How may I help you?” Ellie sincerely hoped Aster couldn’t tell how excited she was to hear her again. “No, seriously, Aster. I’m in the middle of an inventory check.” 

Aster scoffed through the radio. “Wow, that’s one way to greet the person who smuggled a  _ Walkman _ across a galaxy for you.” 

“About that,” Ellie began threateningly. “I have words for you.” She crossed her arms for effect, even though there was no way Aster could see her. 

Sounding entirely too pleased with herself, Aster sing-songed, “Uh-huh. You  _ loved _ it.” 

“It was too much, Aster.” It wasn’t often that Ellie took that tone with the Lieutenant, and she could almost sense the moment in which it registered that she was truly mad. 

(Okay, well. Not  _ mad _ . But definitely serious.)

“Oh.” Aster sounded meek suddenly, and Ellie could almost picture her fidgeting with her fingers. “I’m sorry. I thought you would like it. I didn’t mean to overstep or like, upset you or anything.” 

Ellie pinched her brows as she sighed. “You didn’t…  _ upset _ me, Aster. I just -” Just  _ what _ ? Was overwhelmed? Didn’t know what to do with the way her chest tightened as she listened to every song that Aster had clearly loved as a child? “ _ How _ ?” was what she managed to decide on. 

(It was a lot less scarier than asking  _ why _ .) 

There was a long moment of silence on the other end, and not for the first time Ellie wished they could talk face to face. Ellie had never felt the need to see the Lieutenant’s face so acutely before - when she imagined Aster doing or saying things, she only ever focused on the macros, never the full picture. The tilt of a smile against thin lips, maybe. Or the tapping of thumbs against the handle of an Academy-issued mug. The details of each image would change - maybe the colour of the skin, or maybe the density of freckles she imagined Aster would have. But Ellie had always been careful to never try and build a picture of Aster in her mind. It had seemed rude. Impossible, even. Because Lieutenant Aster Flores had seamlessly defied every assumption Ellie had ever made of her. 

In the beginning, when they first began to speak, Ellie had found Aster a little bit annoying. She was bright and friendly. Clearly wanted to be friends. She would chat over the comms and attempt small talk despite Ellie’s one word answers. At first, it had only been when she was in the middle of making drop-offs. But then, when Ellie didn’t stop her -

(though she wanted it known she didn’t  _ exactly _ encourage her, either) 

Aster had expanded on the topics she brought up, oftentimes monologuing to herself. As if she was simply thinking aloud and forgot to turn her microphone off. Ellie had turned down the volume of her comms in retaliation, wanting to reclaim the comforting silence that she’d so enjoyed from the first day she entered her ship. But then it became weirder when she  _ didn’t _ hear from the chatty Lieutenant. 

Since then, Ellie had realised two things. First; that once Aster Flores decided she wanted to be friends with you, she would make it happen. And two? 

Ellie was crushing on her confidante. Hard. 

It was natural, Ellie had tried to reason with herself. Disregarding the fact that Ellie literally didn’t speak to  _ anyone _ else in her little station, Aster was charming. 

(Despite Ellie’s best resistances.)

And funny. And oh so smart despite the constant need for chatter. Once Ellie started engaging, Aster seemed to lose the last of her reserve, and often would keep up with Ellie’s many ramblings about her experiments and methodologies; the progress of her terraforming bacteria; the new advances in the bioengineering sector. Aster always maintained that she was too much of a practical learner to retain any of the information that Ellie so clearly thrived on - which is why the Academy had made her security - but Ellie had always suspected it was something more. 

Lieutenant Aster Flores reminded Ellie of that Walt Whitman quote:  _ I am large, I contain multitudes _ . 

(Or like Shrek, Aster had countered when Ellie had pointed it out.  _ Onions have layers _ .)

(Ellie had threatened to eject herself out of her shuttle and find Aster’s ship so she could give her a good slap on the shoulder for that.)

“How did I get the Walkman into space?” Aster seemed relieved that was the question she went with. “Oh that’s easy. I know a guy in Logistics, and I had him box it under toiletries.” She sounded so proud of herself Ellie couldn’t help loosening some of the tension in her chest. Aster laughed. “So you may run out of toilet paper this month, but I have a surplus coming through in the next shipment that I’ll make sure to send to you.” 

“Great. Guess I’ll have to go easy on the beef stroganoff this month then.” Space food was… challenging. 

The Lieutenant laughed again, her genuine joy seeping over to Ellie as well. “Welp, hopefully it was worth it.” 

“It was.” Ellie was ashamed to admit that she had the mixtape playing on repeat since she got it. It didn’t help that Aster had been extra thoughtful and included extra batteries to help Ellie last. “But I have to point out that there is an  _ alarming _ amount of Britney Spears on that CD.” 

“I was nine,” Aster huffed as Ellie chuckled. “Leave Britney alone.” 

“I’ve missed you,” Ellie found herself declaring. Truly, she had not planned for those words to come out of her mouth. “I’m glad you’re back.” 

There was a beat of silence and then Aster’s voice, quiet and earnest. “I’m glad to be back too.” 

\- - - - - 

Ellie’s mission was simple. Implement the terraforming project according to protocol, and then it was strictly to monitor progress. Central expected reports only as and when it was relevant - the rest of Ellie’s time was available to her to pursue her personal project of developing a form of plant life that would be able to sustain itself in hardy environments like Poseidon and exponentially decrease the time it would take to terraform the planet into something inhabitable. 

The science of it was still theoretical at this point - but Ellie was confident that her work would be the foundations for future bioengineers interested in this line of inquiry. 

“That’s admirable,” Aster had commented when Ellie had first explained what her thesis was. “But - and pardon my language - why settle for the stars? Why not aim for the moon?” 

“Terraforming isn’t something instantaneous,” Ellie had explained as she’d let herself drift lazily through the cabin. Normally she wouldn’t go into this level of detail about her work, having learnt early on that the only other people who appreciated her rambling were other scientists and Paul. But she had finished watering her latest attempt, and Aster had sounded genuinely interested, and Ellie could have used a break from reading the next series of articles on similar subjects. “In fact, I argue that it would be supremely dangerous for me to be  _ too _ ambitious.” 

“Continue,” Aster prompted, sounding intrigued. Ellie grinned. 

“So say we  _ did _ find a way to completely change the natural environment of a planet. That would essentially call for a reset within acceptable parameters for our existence, correct?” Ellie waited for a sound of agreement before continuing. “That would require a change in atmospheric pressure, for example. A change in environmental temperature. Increased density in moisture, if we’re using Poseidon as an example, and maybe some way to convert the natural mix of gases into something that would eventually mimic Earth closely enough that we could thrive without suits or domes.” Ellie didn’t notice herself start to gesticulate as she got caught up explaining something she loved.

“So what we’re essentially doing is recreating a second Earth. But that is, to say the least, an impossible task.” She had strong thoughts about advancements in science that were careless with long-term repercussions. “Earth was uninhabitable for humanity for millennia. Nature runs it course over an extended timeline we’ll never see the end of. Heck, we barely even understand its beginnings. So say we tried to force that process along.” Ellie had thought about this a lot, when she first started on this project. A nudge was all she was aiming for, not a shove. “We’d be reliant on whatever technology this is. And if that were to fail, we’d put a bunch of lives at risk. That’s also assuming we can maintain whatever it is for an extended period of time. Technology progresses so fast, things that were cutting edge when I started this mission have surely already been preceded by other things.” She paused to wonder about that. “Heck, what would happen if we couldn’t control the terraforming process? What if it stays optimal for human habitation only for a certain amount of years but then starts swinging towards the other end of the spectrum?” The thought was certainly interesting to theorise. 

She didn’t realise she’d drifted off in thought until Aster’s voice jarred her back to reality. “Wow,” the Lieutenant said, something odd in her tone. “I’ve never thought about all that.” 

Ellie shrugged. “I know not all scientists would agree. Heck, most people wouldn’t. Science is all about progress, after all. The next big dream made real.” Ellie chuckled wryly. “But I’m happy with not even being a footnote in history. I’ve made a difference, in my own small way, just by watching this rock. I’m much more interested in ‘do no harm’.” 

“‘If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.’” 

“Exactly.” Ellie found herself smiling without conscious thought. “Progress for progress sake; that kind of hubris is dangerous.” 

A laugh. “Well,  _ I’m _ honoured to have met you, Ellie Chu.” The Lieutenant was smiling, Ellie could hear it. “You may not be remembered in history, but I’ll tell your story to anyone who will listen.” 

Ellie blinked. “Well.” She was glad Aster couldn’t see how flustered Ellie was. “You’re pretty important yourself.” 

“The FedEx of space. I can get behind that.” They both laughed, and Ellie felt something settle in her at that shared moment. It was odd how Lieutenant Aster Flores could make her feel the same way as space could. Like she was unburdened and present in a way she never was on Earth. 

(Ellie refused to probe too deeply into why that was so.) 

\- - - - - 

About three months into their friendship, Ellie realised how little she actually knew about Aster. The Lieutenant was great at small talk and keeping conversation about meaningless topics, and even more impressive still, getting Ellie to talk instead. But she rarely turned that laser focus on herself. 

“Where did you grow up, Aster?” Ellie had asked one day after soundly beating Aster at a round of chess. The Lieutenant was no doubt pouting, judging by the long silence on her end. “I realised I never asked. I’ve stared at your sketch so much and I don’t recognise the skyline.” 

“Have I never said?” Aster didn’t sound surprised by that. “I was born and raised in Sacramento. Parents were missionaries and traveled around a lot when I was older, but I demanded to stay in the city with my friends instead of going with them.” Ellie could just imagine the casual shrug. “Nothing special.”

“Well, more special than podunk Squahamish.” Ellie took a moment to delicately cut a bit of stem off one of her control plants. “Population: 316. I wanted to get out of there so bad.” 

It had been stifling, growing up as the only Asian in the small town. It was made even worse by the fact that she was simply too smart for her own good. People didn’t like  _ different _ in small communities. 

“Yikes. I can’t imagine.” There was a pause as Aster thought of something. “I wonder if we would have been friends.” 

“God no. You sound preppy. I hate preppy.” Ellie enjoyed the sound of the Lieutenant’s laugh. 

“I’ll have you know I wasn’t always like this.” 

“Obnoxious?” 

“You heathen.” 

“You know, a lesser human being would be hurt by all this name calling.” 

“You brought this upon yourself.” 

“Victim blaming, Lieutenant? I never would have expected that of you.” Knowing she was beat, Aster laughed again, and Ellie? Well, Ellie smiled a little too wide. 

It took her a couple of hours to realise that Aster had successfully derailed the conversation again. Ellie tried not to take it personally.

\- - - - - 

Besides chess, they liked listing good date - sorry,  _ hang out _ \- ideas. From the mundane “I’d like a Krispy Kreme doughnut and some coffee from the cafe down the street,” to the absurd “We’d smoke weed and shoot ourselves out into space with rope around our waists and just drift until the high wears off,” it was a cheeky game of tag that they played. Each trying to one-up the other. 

“I got one,” Aster spoke up one day, just as Ellie was bagging up the wrapper of her space ice cream. “You and me, we’d start with dinner of some kind.” 

“I’m a classy lady, Lieutenant. I demand a good vintage for the wine at least.” Ellie couldn’t have cared less if there was a roof over the restaurant, and Aster knew that. The lieutenant chuckled. 

“Of course. I’m not some bozo,” Aster asserted. “And don’t interrupt me. I’m trying to build you a picture here.” Ellie made a vague noise of agreement as she pushed herself off towards her bunk, starting her nighttime routine. “So anyway,” Ellie could hear her smile, imagining the lieutenant leaning towards her, in a vivid red dress. Her face lit by the tacky candles those types of restaurants always seem to have. Maybe a patio. Ellie liked being outside. 

“We have dinner. I run late, because it took me a while to decide what to wear. You’re early, because you’re the type of person to be in the area like an hour early and just wander around.” 

“I sound very eager in this scenario,” Ellie huffed as she pressed out some toothpaste. 

“Mmhmm. We haven’t met each other in person yet, in this scenario. And it’s stupid, but I want to look good for you. Hopefully live up to your expectations, you know?” If gravity was a thing in space, Ellie would have dropped her toothbrush. As it was, she only succeeded in streaking foam across her cheek. As she tried to figure out what to say, Aster continued, ignorant to the churning she’d started in Ellie’s stomach. 

“Anyway. I’d get there, you’d already be seated in this fancy restaurant. We’d stumble a little at first, and then pick up where we left off in space. You’d be wearing…” It took Ellie a moment to realise Aster was waiting for a response. She scrambled for an answer. 

“Um, probably a nice button down and some pants.” She winced as she heard herself. “Or maybe I’d buy some new clothes. Maybe a dress. But I’ve never really liked them.” 

“So button down and pants it is. Mm, I can see it.” Aster trailed off and Ellie frowned. “Yep. Totally cute. I appreciate that you’re like, treating it like this is all normal by the way. I’m nervous.” 

“Why are you nervous?” Ellie couldn’t help but ask as she scrubbed her face. “It’s just me.” 

A beat, and then, “Well, like I said. First time we meet.” Ellie laughed at that. 

“You mean, you’re not this forward in person? Shame. Your stubbornness is like, the number one reason we’re even friends.”

“Quiet, you.” If Ellie didn’t know better, she’d say Aster was embarrassed. “Usually people get tongue-tied around me. I’m much better looking in person, you know.” Ellie didn’t doubt that, but she wouldn’t let Aster know. “ _ Anyway _ ,” the lieutenant stressed, anticipating a smartass remark. “We’d get some food. I’d try to pay for the meal -”

“Why would you pay?” 

“I asked you out, duh.” A beat. “I mean I’d ask you to hang out. My idea. I pay.” 

“Uh-huh. You’re  _ that _ certain I wouldn’t invite you out first?” 

“Ellie.” 

“Lieutenant.” 

“ _ Ellie _ .”

“We go dutch,” Ellie finished diplomatically. “I don’t want any of that weirdness with like, money. Money makes everything weird.” And tips the scales much closer towards the date end of the spectrum. Which is definitely not what this imagined scenario was. Nope. 

“Fine,” Aster caved dramatically. As if this was a major inconvenience. “Now stop hijacking my picture, heathen.” Ellie smiled as she promised she’d be good. Riling Aster up during one of these conversations was her favourite. 

(Because as much as Aster liked to play the ‘rakish space captain’ card -)

(Ellie had teased her about her role model being Han Solo - only to give in when Aster reminded her that Han Solo ended up with Princess Leia -)

(Ellie knew Aster was much more put together and organised than that.)

“I’d get you in my car, and we’d drive a little out of the city.” Aster seemed to grow excited to get to the main part of her idea. “Passenger gets to control music, so what do you want playing?” 

“Probably whatever station is playing the charts,” Ellie shrugged. “I like classical music, but I wouldn’t put you through that.” 

“Nah, classical music is good.” Ellie imagined Aster waving her hand distractedly as Ellie scrolled through the different stations on a crappy radio in Aster’s car. “My knowledge of that kind of stuff is like, instrumental music in video game soundtracks though. So I’m gonna take a stab and say some Mozart is playing -”

“Probably.” 

“And we have the windows down cause my shitty car stalls every time I try to run the AC and radio at the same.” 

“You need a new car.” 

“I like my car. It took me years of farting to get the driver’s seat to feel as great as it does.” Ellie laughed. “We drive out of the city and make it to the top of the hill.” Ellie’s gaze slid to the sketch of the landscape Aster had drawn. Her home, as close to the stars as she could get it. “I park, and we both sit on the hood. I have some beer in a cooler and we just like, sit. And talk.” 

“What kind?” Ellie closed her eyes as she imagined it - the warmth of the metal beneath her thighs, the chill of the light summer breeze on her skin. Aster would probably look graceful as she climbed onto the hood in her dress. Maybe, if Ellie dared, she would help her. Hold her hand for a moment as Aster hoisted herself up. Imagined the way Aster’s eyes - a dark green tonight - would light up as Ellie showed off a little and did her little trick with the beer cap and her belt. “The beer, I mean.” She had to know. For science. It didn’t work with all brands, after all. 

“The shittiest, cheapest ones they had at the gas station.” Ellie raised an eyebrow at that. “Hey, the dinner cost me.” 

“Maybe  _ I’ll _ get the beers then,” Ellie teased, the corners of her lips curling. “Paul knows some micro-brewers. Might as well spring for the fancy stuff.” 

“You are adding so many layers of class to this hang out.” Aster didn’t sound put out though; her humour was clear in her tone, and Ellie wondered if Aster had one of those tells when she was shy or embarrassed. Maybe she bit her lip. Scratched behind her ear, like Ellie did. “But okay. It’s one of those fancy beers.” 

“And we sit? And talk?” 

“We talk.” Aster chuckled awkwardly. “Is it lame that I just - I really just want to see your face while we talk?” Ellie’s eyes flew open. “Nevermind, it’s stupid, I don’t know why I -”

“No!” Ellie winced at how loud she yelled. She cleared her throat. “No, no it’s not stupid - I want that too.” Now she winced at how eager she sounded. Geez. 

(Ellie Chu was  _ not _ smooth.)

While she was busy berating herself for sounding like a goof, she nearly missed Aster’s reply. A soft, shy, barely there - “Yeah?” 

“Yeah.” Ellie wished Aster could see how hard she was nodding right now. Aster laughed, and Ellie realised she’d said that out loud.  _ Cool _ .

(Maybe it  _ was _ better that they never met.) 

“You sure you want to hang out with someone as uncool as me? A real alien, remember?” Ellie didn’t want to presume that this would happen in real life, ever. Aster and her never talked about it for real, the end of their missions an abstract concept more than anything else. As if this, being out in space, was like wading in a dream. And returning to Earth meant waking up. 

There was a long moment of silence - one of the ones that Ellie imagined had Aster leaning back and looking her over as she thought of her answer - before the lieutenant simply says, “I can think of nothing I want more, Ellie Chu.”


	2. between me and you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> they get along well, most of time. except when they don't.

So sometimes Ellie thinks Aster has a crush on her too. Sometimes.

(When Ellie actually let herself think over her feelings for the lieutenant. Which wasn’t  _ often _ , she wanted to clarify. For herself.)

(She was absolutely not trying to justify it to Paul, who hadn’t stopped mentioning Aster in his letters after the time Aster messages Ellie on her behalf.)

Why else would the lieutenant spend a fair amount of time speaking to her on comms? It wasn’t like they  _ had _ to - Ellie liked to think that Aster didn’t have the same amount of camaraderie with any of the other scientists and crews posted in the galaxy. And Ellie knew she wasn’t the best conversationalist - too prone to getting sucked into her science, she knew. Too awkward to always know what to say. She much preferred listening. 

Maybe it was because Ellie was just  _ there _ . God knew Aster spent a fair amount of time good-naturedly complaining about her team. 

“You would think with nearly a dozen people on this ship, Central would have thought it necessary to install more than two bathrooms.” Today’s topic of conversation was, once again, the lack of toilet time. “I mean, I get that we need the space for important, life-saving stuff like escape pods. But would it kill them to give us at least  _ one _ more shower?” 

“Actually, it’s more likely that your extra space is being relegated to waste disposal,” Ellie mentioned off-handedly. “Eleven people produce a lot of trash.” 

“That makes me feel so much better, Ells,” Aster muttered sarcastically. “To know that I’m potentially sleeping on top of our sewage tanks.” 

“Happy to help,” Ellie replied cheerfully as she looked through one of the CHARON reports. 

“ _ Ellie _ ,” Aster whined, clearly displeased with the ensuing silence. “I’m serious.” 

“What am I meant to do?” Ellie marked off a relevant point about a change in atmospheric pressure and its effects on alpine plants. Intriguing base to start another round of experiments. “Start a schedule or something. Or like, put people on cleaning duty if they abuse their toilet privileges.” Captaining a ship sounded a lot like being a mom. “Abuse that authority of yours.” 

“It’s not even about the toilet time,” Aster grumbled. “It’s the lack of privacy that’s driving me insane.” Ellie laughed at the image of a pouting Aster sitting on the closed lid of a toilet just to get some quiet time. 

“Don’t you have an office you can hide in?” Ellie couldn’t list many things that  _ wouldn’t  _ annoy her while she had things to do. “That’s the perks of being the boss, right? You could be in  _ meetings _ .” 

Aster mumbled something Ellie couldn’t catch. When asked to repeat herself, Aster groaned in embarrassment. “Don’t laugh, okay?” Ellie raised an eyebrow as she finally looked up from her research. “It worked in the beginning, but now the crew know I’m just hiding in here to talk to you.” Ellie’s heart may or may not have skipped a beat. 

(If anyone asked, Ellie had just let out a very silent, very minute sneeze.) 

(Same effect.)

“Aw,” Ellie hurried to answer, steadfastly ignoring her warm cheeks. “So much effort for little old me.” 

“Shut up,” Aster was probably rolling her eyes at the teasing tone. “You’re much more pleasant to talk to than those guys.”

Ellie simply breathed out a laugh, unsure of what else to actually say. They didn’t do  _ this _ . 

( _ This _ being coming so close to discussing whatever this between them was.)

( _ This _ being admitting that there was something beyond banter and friendly companionship between them.)

“Anyway,” Aster coughed awkwardly when it became clear that Ellie wasn’t going to say anything else. “What are you up to, egghead?” 

Relieved at the out Aster was giving her, Ellie launched into an explanation of the readings she was doing and how she was going to apply it to her own work. Aster hummed and prompted at all the right points, and Ellie couldn’t deny how nervous it made her to know that Aster truly was interested in what she was saying. 

It was just friendly interest, she insisted to herself. Nothing more than that.

(It was hard to remember that when after she finally stops to breathe through an explanation about why it was so cool that some type of moss was beginning to grow off a rock sample from Poseidon, Aster simply repeated how  _ you  _ are  _ much more pleasant to talk to. _ )

(Ellie had simply rolled her eyes and rambled on about how it had felt to brush her bare fingers over the young foliage.)

\- - - - - 

They both had bad days, of course. It wasn’t all good-natured and funny between them. Aster hated monotony, as Ellie discovered. And hated being ignored  _ a lot _ .

“Ellie…” Aster whined when her fourth question in as many minutes was met with further silence.

“ _ What _ ?” Ellie sounded harsh even to her own ears. “I’m busy, Lieutenant Flores.” 

“ _ Wow _ .” Aster sounded genuinely offended, and if Ellie wasn’t arm deep in the guts of her terminal, she would have apologised. “You’re in a mood.” 

“I’m  _ busy _ .” Ellie had woken up today feeling restless and tired, despite having gone to bed at her usual time the night before. Her breakfast didn’t have the right amount of taste - 

(Not that anything tasted right in stupid space,  _ stupid change in pressure _ -)

there were no new updates from Central, and if she had to  _ never _ listen Britney Spears’s  _ Toxic _ again it wouldn’t be soon enough - 

(she’d pretty much made her way through most of the batteries Aster had gotten her anyway, and the lieutenant had been apologetic when she told her she wouldn’t be able to get her more for a while -)

she’d read pretty much everything that could be read in her little shuttle, her bad knee hurt like a  _ bitch  _ and none of the painkillers seemed to work, and Ellie was pissed off when she realised that one of the lamps she’d been using for her plants had grown dimmer sometime when she wasn’t looking, thereby throwing her experiment off-track.

(On any other day, Ellie would have been able to take this into her stride, would have been able to rationalise that it didn’t matter because it wasn’t like she was on a locked timeline or anything -)

(But Ellie had woken up  _ angry _ today, and since there was nothing she could hit or nowhere she could run like she normally did on Earth when she felt like this - well.)

“Look, I just like my silence sometimes, okay?” Ellie could taste the sharpness in her words, the way they cut as they left her lips. She kicked the thick braid of cable that had drawn her ire at the moment, cursing loudly when it - predictably - didn’t do anything to solve the power drain that her lamp was experiencing. 

“Fine,” Aster said haughtily, and Ellie had a flash of bared teeth, bruised knuckles grasping forearms as Aster crossed her arms. “You could’ve just said.” 

“Gee, my general ‘not today’ vibe didn’t translate over the comms? Sorry to burst your bubble, Lieutenant, but I can’t always accommodate your needs. Some of us have  _ important _ work to be doing.” 

The moment she said that, Ellie regretted it. Doubly so when Aster gasped and snapped back with a “Fine,” and radio silence on her comms. Ellie groaned as she rested her forehead on her knees - she felt like screaming. 

(But if she screamed into space and no one was there to hear it, did it actually happen?) 

She hadn’t had a day like this in a while. After her ma died, she had withdrawn into herself, yeah. But some days the feelings had simply been too much to contain. And Ellie would lash out. At her pa, at Paul. At anything she could get her hands on. 

So she took to running. To hitting the bags at the gym. Ellie couldn’t concentrate on days like today, felt trapped in her own mind as she struggled to remember good things. 

She should have expected it, really. It was her ma’s birthday. 

When she had been alive, they would always do something special. The Chus didn’t have a lot of money, of course, but that didn’t stop her ma. It had been her special talent, Ellie had believed while she was growing up. Her ability to make anything fun. So full of life, her ma was, and that kind of energy had the ability to pull anyone along into her orbit. 

One year, her ma had driven them all down in a creaky van she’d borrowed from their neighbours two doors down to visit the Second Biggest Ball of Twine. They hadn’t paid for admission, of course - they couldn’t afford that then. But her ma had parked the van close enough that they could sit and see it in the distance, and proceeded to pass out the sandwiches she had packed for the trip. Fluff sandwiches, something Ellie didn’t get often because it had cost $2.50 a jar and hoarded jealously when it did make its way into the house. They had spent the rest of the afternoon with the van doors open to let the air in, eating sandwiches and drinking punch her ma and pa had packed and watched the sun set behind the Second Biggest Ball of Twine. 

Ellie talked her ma into posing by the attraction sign at least, to commemorate this moment. She’d printed out the film a couple of weeks later and added it to the scrapbook she’d been working on for three years as a gift for her ma’s 40th birthday. 

(Her ma passed four years before Ellie could give it to her.)

(When her ma would have turned 40, Ellie wrote one last letter to her ma and added it to the book before tucking it away in the back of her closet.)

(Her pa never knew about it.)

“Stupid,” Ellie spat at herself as she kicked herself off the nearest wall. Doing a few flips did nothing to settle the guilt and the anger, and she had half a mind to throw the wrench she’d been using against the wall of the cockpit just to hear the satisfying thud of impact. 

But she knew it would have lost momentum before it ever reached the wall and simply floated away. Space sucked balls without gravity, sometimes. 

Ellie closed her eyes as she tried to do the breathing exercises her Academy therapist had talked her through for events like this. In through the nose, hold for eight counts. Exhale through the mouth. Repeat. 

It didn’t help, but when she opened her eyes again to stare at the dim lamp in her lab, she was clear-headed enough to know she couldn’t stay inside this station any longer. 

So she strapped herself into her suit and stepped out of the airlock. 

As the door closed behind her, Ellie wrapped the cord she had attached to her suit around the safety rail of the station. Ellie didn’t do this often, having watched that Sandra Bullock movie enough times to actually have the healthy fear of drifting into space. The thought of being perfectly preserved amongst the stars was romantic, but not for her, thank you very much. 

(She couldn’t really quiet the voice in her head that told her that no one would notice, would look for her.)

(She knew those were dangerous roads to travel down, had watched it happen to her pa.)

(She would  _ not _ be like him.)

When she was sure she was secure and there was no way she would drift into space, she let go and let the weightlessness pull her away from the safety of the station. 

There were perks to sitting in the butt of the galaxy, Ellie pondered as she closed her eyes. She was far enough from the sun to not get immediately fried from the rays, but she also got to enjoy the sight of the dense lava flows on Hell’s Balls. Outside of her station, she could see it better - the way the molten rock winded through the landscape like rivers, fluid and deadly as it would sometimes spurt into the atmosphere. Ellie felt a kinship with the planet - the first one the Academy had spotted in this galaxy. It had given them a landmark to send a probe to - an entry into discovering the potential of the other planets and hunks of rocks in this system. Ellie remembered watching the news when they released the images of the planet - a grainy, speck of light that was barely indistinguishable from dust on her television screen. Her pa had let her stare at it for as long as it stayed on screen, only grousing about missing his movies when the news switched over to a story about climate change hazards. Ellie had gone to sleep that night dreaming of landing on the surface, digging into its rock and finding out what secrets lay within. 

Childhood dreams, she scoffed to herself. The reality of burning up upon entry to its atmosphere made it impossible to achieve, and Ellie sometimes entertained thoughts of going into mechanical engineering instead, exploring the invention of a space suit that would be able to withstand anything Hell’s Balls could throw at them. 

(So many what ifs -)

(So many other ways her life could have panned out.)

Reaching a hand up to the dial that controlled her life support systems, Ellie turned it down. She would only be able to last a second or two - not more than that, or she would be in a lot of danger. But she only needed a second. 

The feeling of her life support powering down left her breathless, as she got the full brunt of the sun’s rays. It was beyond hot, blazing - sweat formed on her skin and dripped out of her hair. Ellie gasped and felt everything inside her cringe at the sudden shift in temperature. But then she wrenched the system back on - and Ellie inhaled deeply as the temperature regulator jumped back to life, stabilising the internal temperature of the suit. 

“Fuck,” Ellie panted, her heart racing and her visor fogging uncomfortably at the humidity. “That’s  _ hot _ .” 

A crackle from her radio, but nothing else. Ellie would have thought she had imagined it, but then picked up a faint rustling and something in her chest settled. 

“Aster?” She didn’t know how she knew, but she knew - Lieutenant Aster Flores was back on comms, and listening in. Ellie managed a smile. “Hey.” 

Nothing. But Ellie wasn’t discouraged. “Did you know? Squahamish is in Washington. When I first read  _ Twilight _ , I had to laugh at all the descriptions of rain.” She started to pull herself back towards the station, her limbs shaking in her suit. “We didn’t get much sun. Anytime it came out, everyone was in shorts and as little clothes as they could get away with. The popular girls were wearing bikini tops to school.” Those had been interesting times for tiny Ellie. 

(Once, when she was pulling on her shirt for PE, she’d caught the eye of one of them and immediately blushed red.)

(After class, she was pulled into an empty bathroom stall and kissed - more of a press of mouths than anything else.)

(Veronica Steele pulled away and threatened to tell everyone Ellie was a pervert if she told anyone about it.)

(Ellie kept quiet not because of the threat - but because of the realisation she’d seen in Veronica Steele’s eyes.)

(Small towns weren’t big on  _ different _ .)

“Anyway. I really like warm places.” Ellie reached the safety rail and tiredly hit the button for the airlock. The doors disengaged and opened, and Ellie drifted into safety. She reached out to detach herself and pulled the airlock shut. She waited for the telltale hiss for the pressure lock before she started to strip out of her suit. “It just feels like, I don’t know. Like it’ll burn everything inside me away. If that makes sense.” 

Pulling off her helmet was a relief. She set it in its proper place as she pulled the rest of the suit off. Hung it up against the wall. In just her thermals, she headed towards the shower area for a wash. The chill of the station was a balm on her warm skin. 

“Was that the airlock?” Ellie hummed distractedly as she reached for her toiletries. “Ellie, where are you right now?” 

There was concern underneath the anger. That was good. Ellie hadn’t messed it up completely. As she stripped out of her sweat-sodden clothes, Ellie reached for her liquid soaps and began to get herself clean. “I’m back on the station, don’t worry.” 

“‘Back’?” Ellie lost her grip on her soap and cursed. “Where did you  _ go _ ?”

“Just outside.” Ellie sighed as she grabbed the bag. “Look, I wanted to say I’m sorry.” Ellie rubbed her face harder than she probably should have. “I was - am having a bad day. And I took it out on you. You don’t deserve that. I’m sorry.” 

A silence. “You could have just told me.” 

Ellie laughed self-deprecatingly. “I’m not used to people caring about things like that. Or like, having people to tell. Paul always knew. We have a system.” Ellie finished off cleaning herself and pulled on a fresh set of clothes. She missed showers. “I guess I forgot that there’s still tons that you - that _we_ don’t know about each other.” 

Aster’s sigh sent the radio crackling. Ellie hoped Aster could feel her apologetic smile through the radio. “I really am sorry, Aster.” 

“That’s not fair.” Ellie frowned at the petulant tone. “I was super intent on like, giving you the cold shoulder for at least a day. But then I realised you probably wouldn’t know I was doing that to get back at you unless I turned the comms on, and now when I turn it on to ignore you, you go ahead and be all cute. It’s not fair.” 

Ellie couldn’t help it; she laughed. “You can still ignore me if you want. Your feelings are valid.” 

“But now that you’re alright and talking to me again, I can’t do that. I want to talk to you more,” Aster grumped. “This sucks.” 

Ellie shook her head in disbelief. This woman. “Sounds like you’re in a real bind.” 

“Yeah, because of  _ you _ .” Aster sighed and Ellie enjoyed the feeling of having the lieutenant in her ear again. The brief moment of quiet had just contributed to how unsettled she felt. “I’ll forgive you on one condition.” 

“Sure.” Ellie hoped Aster could hear the sincerity in her voice. 

“We talk about your bad days. If you want. I just mean, in the future, if you’re having a bad day, I want you to promise me you’ll tell me. That you’re having one, I mean. So I can like, not be all annoying.” 

Ellie chuckled as she grabbed the wrench that had been drifting aimlessly since she let it go earlier. “So you admit that you’re annoying.” 

“I didn’t say that.” A beat. “Sometimes.”

“Uh-huh.” 

“You’re really bad at grovelling, you know.”

“I wasn’t aware I had to.” 

“Heathen.” 

“Lieutenant.” 

“Ugh.” 

(And so maybe Aster did manage to wheedle a promise out of Ellie.)

(It may have had something to do with how much better the scientist felt after telling her about her ma’s birthday and all that.)

(She didn’t mention exposing herself to the sun though; Ellie wasn’t going to apologise twice in a day.)

\- - - - - 

“Don’t say it.”

“I’m not saying it!” 

“I can hear you thinking it,” Aster groused. “You’re  _ so loud _ .”

“I’m sorry,” Ellie laughed even though she wasn’t very sorry at all. “But maybe we should play a different game together.” 

“No way, I’m no quitter,” Aster huffed as Ellie began to scrub out the marks to reset their chess board. “And I told you - I’m playing -” 

“The long game, I know.” Ellie grinned. “Best out of fifty?” 

Ellie imagined Aster rolling her eyes. “Let’s take a break.” Ellie laughed and hung the manual back on the wall. “You must get tired of beating me.” 

“A little.” Ellie pushed off to head to her lab, catching herself on the wall to stop from kicking her precious plant samples. “What’s your favourite flower?” 

“Snapdragons, why?” Ellie blinked. “They’re not really well-known, I know, but -”

“They’re pretty,” Ellie interrupted. “I just would have pegged you for someone who might have liked something more… I don’t know. Basic.” 

“Onions, Ellie.” Ellie had no doubt Aster’s grin was massive. “But I may have been using my free time to research flowers.” 

Ellie looked up from examining the very exciting moss sample she’d named Prometheus. “Why?” 

“No reason.” Aster answered way too quickly for it to be true. Ellie just waited her out, grinning when Aster sighed in defeat. “So you may have gotten me interested in gardening, or whatever -”

“Botany.” 

“And I may have been on like, a Google spiral.” Ellie laughed at the huff she heard. “Flowers are pretty, okay? Any chance you could grow me one?”

“That they are,” Ellie patted Prometheus gently as she pushed off to check on her other plants. “But flowers are really low on the priority list for space colonisation.” 

“But like, they’re ecologically important.” Ellie had to swallow her laugh at the determined way Aster said it. “You said so yourself - flowers respire and yada yada. Surely they contribute to the delicate balance of gases in our atmosphere.” 

“Trees are much more efficient and prolific providers of oxygen,” Ellie couldn’t help but butt in. “But I’m impressed.” And this wasn’t a lie. “I didn’t think you actually listened when I rambled.”

Aster sounded genuinely perplexed by that statement. “Why wouldn’t I? It’s important to you.” Ellie’s cheeks warmed as they always did whenever Aster gave her offhand comments like that. “Besides, it’s not like you’re some podcast or something that I leave on in the background while I work. I like listening to you. You get all excited. It’s cute.” As if cuteness was in any way, shape or form relevant to their conversations. Ellie coughed. 

Eager to change the subject, Ellie began to set up her next experiment. “Speaking of things that interest me,” she started, wondering if being straightforward was her best bet of getting past those goddamn layers the lieutenant kept going on about. “What excites you nowadays? I mean, besides flowers?” 

“Eh, same old, same old.” Aster sounded as disinterested as she usually did when the topic of the conversation shifted to herself. Sometimes Ellie wondered if this was what people felt like talking to her about things that didn’t involve science or space. If so, she really should write apology letters to Paul and her pa. It was off-putting. “Nothing much changes in this part of the galaxy.” 

“Come on,” Ellie tried to joke, hoping it would loosen the lieutenant up. “Your job has you galavanting across a new galaxy. You trying to tell me you don’t have any interesting stories?” 

Aster seemed to soften at that. “Well, it was an interesting day when we realised that the ventilators were acting up.” Ellie sucked in a breath. That sounded extremely dangerous, and she wondered why Aster hadn’t told her about it when it happened. Before she could chastise the lieutenant, Aster continued. “But like, not the important bits. Remember when we joked about me sleeping on top of the sewage tanks?” Ellie was muttering her sympathies before Aster had even finished. “Not a fun couple of days. Malkovich was a hero for a while. I even drew him that portrait he had been begging me for.” 

“Sounds rough,” Ellie laughed. “But I’m glad that got sorted out.” 

“You can’t even imagine. I was pulling double duty on watch just so I didn’t have to be in my quarters.” Aster got private captain quarters as the most senior ranking member on the ship. Ellie figured that must feel really nice, especially with ten other people onboard. 

“Speaking of portraits,” Ellie began nervously as she tried to find the nerve to finally ask a question that had been on her mind for awhile. She felt like a teenager all over again, body buzzing after losing her first kiss in an empty bathroom. “I was wondering if I could request something.”

“Sure, hit me.” Aster sounded energised at the challenge. Ellie didn’t ask for things - beyond things pertaining to their job, of course. But that wouldn’t give Ellie the same amount of pause that this request did - work was easy. 

No, this was personal. Clearing her throat to shore her nerves, Ellie set down the slide she was holding onto for fear of shattering it against something. “Before I ask, I just want you to know that you can say no. I know it’s extremely unprofessional, but like, we’re friends, right? So I -”

“Ellie,” Aster had laughter in her voice, and it soothed Ellie. “Just ask me.” 

Ellie breathed out. “Okay, so my birthday is coming up.” End of March, on Earth time. Almost a whole year since she’d begun her mission. “And I was wondering if I could ask for a drawing. Of you.” Now that she said it aloud, it sounded really creepy. “If that isn’t like, weird. I don’t mean it to be weird, it’s just - well, I have no idea what you look like.” 

“Wait,” Ellie imagined Aster’s brows furrowing. “You mean you didn’t look through my file?” Ellie blinked. 

“I wasn’t aware I had access to that.” Aster giggled. “Wait, you’re telling me I have access to that? I could have solved this whole mystery way sooner?” 

“I can’t believe you’ve been talking to me without knowing what I look like this whole time!” Ellie pouted as Aster continued to laugh disbelievingly. “I know what  _ you _ look like.” A thousand different thoughts flew through Ellie’s mind at that. When had she seen it? Which one had she seen? Was it her standard Academy picture, because oh god, she’d been exhausted that day and those eyebags - 

(It was much less nerve-wracking to worry about that than consider if Aster  _ liked _ what she’d seen -) 

“ _ Aster _ ,” Ellie whined when it became clear the lieutenant wasn’t going to stop. “Come on.” 

That seemed to get her to sober up. “Sorry,” Aster hiccuped, and Ellie imagined her wiping a tear away from her cheek. “Oh god, I haven’t laughed that hard in awhile.” 

“It’s not funny.” Ellie pushed off her lab table towards the cockpit, intent on getting to her terminal to find this file. “It was starting to weird me out.” 

“‘Starting to’? Ellie, we’ve been talking for a  _ year _ .” 

“Technically, it’s only been ten months and eighteen days,” Ellie corrected absentmindedly as she began to type in her credentials. “I don’t count the time when I turned you down so I could concentrate.” 

“I  _ knew _ you weren’t listening,” Aster pouted, but before she could throw a proper tantrum, Ellie groaned. “What?” 

“I do not, in fact, have access to your file.” Ellie glared at the offending letters on her screen. “Guess us scientists aren’t as important as space captains.”

“Technically, I  _ am  _ a lieutenant in charge of a team that’s meant to provide security support. That’s probably why I have access and you don’t.” Ellie rolled her eyes. 

“Well, that brings me back to my original request.” Ellie scratched behind her ear as she began to warm all over, feeling shy. “A portrait. Of you.” 

“Uh.” Aster’s hesitation was clear. Ellie tried to ignore how that made her stomach drop. 

“Nevermind, it’s silly. You don’t have to -”

“No, no, Ellie, wait.” Aster sighed, and Ellie imagined she was pinching her brows like Ellie did when she got frustrated. “It’s not silly, it’s just -” Her voice dropped to a quiet murmur that Ellie had to strain to hear. “It’s a little embarrassing, is all.” 

“Oh.” And there was the shyness again. Ellie cleared her throat. 

“I mean, you don’t have to or anything.” Ellie wasn’t playing fair, she knew. But it was the easiest mystery to unravel of the conundrum that was Lieutenant Aster Flores. “I just - you clearly know what  _ I _ look like.” 

Aster sighed, and just like that Ellie knew she’d won. “Fine, fine.” She muttered something that sounded suspiciously like  _ unbelievable _ , but when Ellie asked, Aster simply said “I was just trying to figure out how much time I have.” 

“Whenever it’s good for you, really.” Now that she had Aster’s okay, Ellie wasn’t worried or anxious anymore. “You have lots more important things to do in this galaxy than cater to the whims of some random scientist.”

“Ellie,” Aster’s voice was light now. Amused. “I’m happy to do it.” 

“Oh.” And if that statement didn’t make Ellie feel all weightless inside. “Thank you.” 

There was a silence that they let linger for a moment longer than necessary, and Aster was the first to break it this time. “So, on to more important things. You said it’s your birthday? How old are you going to be?” 

“Why don’t you check my file for that information, you creep?” Oh, and now that Ellie knew that the lieutenant had access to that this entire time, she wasn’t going to stop bringing it up. Aster groaned in resignation as she realised the teasing she was in for. 

“I shouldn’t have said anything,” she muttered as Ellie laughed into her ear. 

(The lieutenant was glad that the scientist couldn’t see her - if the teasing from this would be bad, Aster would never hear the end of it if Ellie knew just how intensely she was blushing.)

(Later that night, Aster’s colleagues found her in the communal bathroom staring at her face intensely in the mirror. Malkovich, their lead engineer, simply added an extra ten dollars to the pool they had going on when the lieutenant was going to confess her feelings to the scientist.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this whole fic is really getting out of hand. 
> 
> also: structure? editing? who dat?


	3. between the past and present

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie gets some news, and they pine. 
> 
> or, alternatively: there is plot. a concept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who's following/ reading/ commenting all that fun stuff. I promise I read each and every comment you leave, and appreciate the words and kudos. I don't really reply back to comments just cause lol social anxiety, but it means a lot.

The news came through a few weeks later. Ellie was sorting through the contents of her latest drop when she came across an Academy stamped harddrive labeled _ HIGH PRIORITY/ CONFIDENTIAL _ . Ellie frowned as she held it in her hand, hooking her arm through a rail near her ration cabinets as she inspected it. Orders from Central usually came through the terminal. It was unusual for her to receive data in a drive. 

She floated over to her terminal in the cockpit as she set the drive down in the pilot’s seat. For some reason, the drive gave her a sense of foreboding. Which was silly. It was just a drive. 

Ellie decided instead to pop in Paul’s letters to her. It wasn’t strange for Paul to write multiple letters to make up for the lag between updates. He didn’t want her to miss him too much, he’d insisted in one when she’d brought up the futility of it.  _ Don’t want you replacing my status as best friend with the Frankenstein plant you’re trying to make. And yes, Ells, _ he’d written immediately after that statement. _ I know Frankenstein was the scientist, not the monster itself.  _

(She couldn’t help but praise him for actually reading the book. Paul had sent back a series of letters and symbols that essentially drew out a penis in response.)

_ Dear Ellie _ , his oldest letter began.  _ It’s been almost eight months since you’ve gone up to tan in the light of Hell’s Balls! Time sure does fly when you’re off being some fancy schmancy space rock watcher. How’s your project going? Hope you haven’t accidentally created something poisonous and now you’re breathing in its spores. I’ve finally finished playing  _ The Last of Us _ \- you’d get a kick over how nature fights back in this game. It’s pretty scary though, which is why it’s taken me years to finish. They jump out at you. _

_ Anyway, _ he’d continued, while Ellie heard his voice in her head.  _ The date with the girl went really well. We went to Sparky’s, got some milkshake and fries. She’s a food critic from Wenatchee! She was interested in my taco sausage recipe, said her editor had a bad habit of ignoring letters like the ones I sent in high school. Which, makes sense. But she said she’d like to try them. She reminds me of you a little. Really sincere and honest, and nice. She said she didn’t like dipping fries in the milkshake, but she liked the idea behind it. And then we spent the rest of the date coming up with different combinations of sweet and salty. When you get back, you have to try chocolate-dipped bacon. It was something we came up with and I guarantee you’d love it. _

_ I miss you everyday, bestie. _ Ellie’s chest tightened with guilt as she read that.  _ I know you love it up there, and it’s selfish for me to want to be able to tell you these things in real time. But just know I’m looking forward to when you get leave. I’ll pick you up and everything. _

Ellie’s brows furrowed as she continued to the end of the letter.  _ Your pa is doing well; last time I checked in on him, he had a fall, but it was nothing serious. He just bruised a rib, and I told him off for driving his last home nurse away. He swore he’d be more careful, but you know how he is. I’m heading down to his apartment this weekend and installing those safety rails for him. He’ll grumble he won’t need them, but I’ll just tell him you told me to do it.  _

_ Yours, Paul.  _

Ellie involuntarily glanced at the confidential drive as she finished. The upset feeling continued to grow, despite having no logical reason to do so. 

(Ellie hated being right, sometimes.)

\- - - - - 

_ Dear Ellie,  _

_ It’s two months away to Christmas! Can you believe it? Halloween feels like yesterday - and before you ask, yes, of course I dressed up. Rachel and I - that’s the food critic from Wenatchee - went to the Pumpkin Festival the Watsons hold every year. Rachel’s never been to one, can you believe that? Apparently, she grew up in the city, and her parents weren’t big on the trick-or-treating.  _

_ It was like being in high school all over again. Remember the summer before you joined the Academy? You and me, we went. Did the corn maze and went through the super lame haunted house the moms ran every year. Rachel loved it, by the way. Laughed the whole way through, and actually took a selfie with one of the dads dressed up as the Grim Reaper. The makeup gets better and better every year. I put in a donation under your name, by the way. This year’s proceeds were going towards an organisation standing up against hate crimes and cyberbullying. Thought you’d appreciate that.  _

_ After, Rachel and I snuck out onto Whitaker land and just drank. It was a really clear night, you would have loved it. I told her about you, and all the constellations you taught me. She was really impressed that you’re up there. I told her you’re essentially like a parking lot guard, and she still wants to meet you. I think you guys would get on.  _

_ Speaking of getting along. Tell Aster I said hi. I appreciated the update a couple of weeks ago while your radio was down. I hope it’s all sorted now, and you’re able to receive these letters soon. I know these tend to get shuffled down the priority list in favour of actual important things. Like food.  _

_ Your pa caught the bug that’s going around. I remember the flu he had last year that lasted all winter. I drove him to the hospital and he got checked out. Apparently he fell asleep with the window open a couple of nights ago. I warned him if he didn’t take care of himself better I’d tell on him to you. He grumbled a little but I think he’s going to take the medicine.  _

_ Don’t worry though. I’ll look after him. You don’t ask for much; I’m happy to do it.  _

_ He’s coming to Thanksgiving with my family. I’m excited to taste his braised pork dumplings. Mom’s saying it’s sacrilegious to have anything but turkey but I reminded her that the holiday is about giving thanks and celebrating family. And you and your pa are family. Mom’s just bitter because last time she tried making dumplings they turned out like mochi.  _

_ Missing you. Don’t feed your plants bugs - I watched a documentary with Rachel recently about carnivorous plants and now I’m worried one of them will turn feral and try to eat you too. Did you know the venus flytrap has been proven to be able to digest human skin? Please tell me you don't have any of those up there with you.  _

_ Yours, Paul. _

\- - - - - 

_ Ellie,  _

_ Remember the bug your dad caught around Thanksgiving? It’s gotten bad. We caught it early and he’s getting treatment in the hospital but he insisted on not letting you know. Says he doesn’t want to worry you for a cough.  _

_ Doctors won’t tell me everything because I’m not family on paper. But it’s some version of pneumonia. They have him on antibiotics and tons of other medical stuff and said he’ll have to stay there for awhile.  _

_ I had to tell you like this, at least. I have to respect his wishes and not mark this an emergency letter. But I know you would want to know.  _

_ Rachel and I are going to be there for him. I know you’ll worry but the doctors are convinced he’s going to get better. We’re praying for him in church. I know you don’t believe in god, but I figured it wouldn’t hurt.  _

_ I lit joss sticks at his house because I know you would. Sorry I don’t know the words.  _

_ Hope your plants are growing beautifully. I watched that new adaptation of  _ Beauty and the Beast _ , with Emma Watson? Because Emma Watson, duh. But the flower they kept in the bell jar was really pretty. I know it was movie magic and all that, but. I like to imagine you’re growing beautiful things up there too. If anyone can do it, it’d be you.  _

_ Always thinking of you, Paul.  _

\- - - - - 

_ hppy holeays Els!  _

_ sorry if this dosnt make sense. Its almst mdinght and rachel and i are drunk. wanted to let u kno we’re thiking of u. _

_ felyz navided! _

\- - - - - 

_ Hey Ellie,  _

_ So it’s January already. Almost a year since you’ve been up there. Gosh, I can’t believe the last time I saw you was like, two years ago. Before you went into training. Remember how you snuck out that one time and we drove to get burgers at like, midnight? You nearly twisted your leg again when we got stuck in that ditch and you insisted on being strong enough to push it out yourself. Roadside assistance really came through that day.  _

_ I sometimes think about that. Spending time with you. You always had a way of helping me make sense of things. Remember in high school when stupid Mr Kramer would always come after me for not submitting the homework on time, and you told him off for not being sensitive towards my dyslexia? I was so mad at you for doing that, because I believed it was my fault that I wasn’t doing well in school. But that was because no one had ever stood up for me before. And we didn’t even know each other well back then. You just decided to do it because I told those assholes off for making fun of your name.  _

_ This is a hard letter to write. I don’t really know how to say it. I wish you were here. You always know what to do. Rachel says that my instincts are right, and I have to listen to them. You’ll really like her. I do.  _

_ Your pa’s not well. He’s been back to the hospital a couple of times since the last time, and each time he’s stayed longer and longer. The doctors tell me things now, because apparently your pa put me on the list for family? They say there’s not much they can do for him, really. That its old age catching up. I know this might not be something you want to hear, for the same reasons that you had for going up there in the first place. I’m sorry.  _

_ It’s not my place. And know that no matter what you choose, you have me. I will look after your pa as if he were my own dad. It’s the least I could do for you and him. You’re family.  _

_ Paul. _

\- - - - - 

“Hey egghead. Haven’t heard from you in awhile. I just wanted to check in. This is even longer than the last time you got sucked into your science things. At this point I’ll even take that read aloud session of science stuff.” 

“...”

“Just… let me know you’re okay? I’m worried.” 

\- - - - - 

“Ellie. I went to drop off that toilet paper I promised you and saw that your last delivery was still in the terminal. Is everything okay? I haven’t heard from you in almost three weeks.” 

\- - - - -

“Ellie Chu, I swear to god. This was just mildly concerning at first, but now I’m genuinely worried you’re dead or something. And it’s terrifying, okay? I can’t sleep at night, I’m so worried about you. Last time we flew by your station it was still in the night cycle and wasn’t receiving non-priority transmissions. Please, just let me know you’re okay. Otherwise I will forcibly board your shuttle and then you’ll be sorry.” 

“...”

“You  _ promised _ .”

\- - - - -

“Aster?” There was no response. Not that Ellie was surprised by that. She didn’t expect Aster to be waiting around for her anymore. Nearly a month. Ellie was almost never the one to go radio silent. Why would she? She was the one stuck in place. 

The parking lot guard of Poseidon. That’s what Paul had said. 

Thinking of Paul sent another flare of hurt through her. Because thinking of Paul led to her thinking of her pa, and thinking of her pa -

(Stop.) 

Ellie took a deep breath. She could do this. She had to do this. It was one of the scariest things she had done in her life. Almost as scary as the day she woke up and realised she had no idea what to do with her life without pursuing space. 

She had to try. She would never forgive herself otherwise. 

“Aster.” Her voice was chalky to her own ears, rough from disuse. She was tired. Bone-deep and trembling. Ellie rested her head on the lip of her terminal, squeezing her eyes shut. They ached from being swollen, but there wasn’t much Ellie could do about that. 

“I don’t know if you’re listening to this. I’m recording it as a transmission anyway, so maybe you can listen to it later. If you want. No pressure. I know I fucked up. I always fuck up.” Ellie clenched her fists as memories of a routine training gone wrong flashed through her mind. Falling off her perch, landing on her knee. Hearing the pop, the break. The tear. “I’m sorry.” 

Ellie had planned out what to say. Had tried writing it down, but the words had eluded her. For the second time in her life, Ellie wasn’t sure what to do. She must have hurt Aster, Ellie knew. She had heard Aster’s attempts at reaching out to her. Had been unable to bring herself to make contact, been too busy trying to do the impossible. It hurt, she realised. Hurt to be alone for once in her life. 

Ellie, who had always prided herself on her ability to stand independently, missed Aster with a longing that she couldn’t control. Pathetic, she chided herself as she tried to control her breathing. She had to try. For Aster. 

“Aster. My pa, he’s dying. And I…. he’s all I have. Ever since my ma died, I…” Ellie shook her head. “That doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter.” She exhaled shakily as she straightened, stared at Poseidon in the shadow of Hell’s Balls. 

Hell’s Balls, scientific name: Apollo 11-A. The first planet that appeared on NASA’s long-range radar pointed beyond the Milky Way. Named after the first ever spacecraft that brought man to the moon. Apollo 11-A, humanity’s first great leap into the infinity beyond the Milky Way. A beacon of possibility, in the darkness of the stars and dust and all the other things that made space so wonderful. So endlessly fascinating. 

A new beginning. 

“I have to go back.” It hadn’t been a choice at all, really. Ellie knew that. And yet, she had deliberated, had weighed the pros and cons. Her lab would be abandoned mid-project. Her plants would die without daily upkeep. One strain was showing great promise already, and Ellie had been eager to continue. And what about the terraforming process she was meant to be monitoring? What if they missed out on an important development while she was gone? 

Ellie was important. Ellie couldn’t leave things unfinished. 

Except. 

(Ellie dreamed of her pa holding her hand at her ma’s wake, plastering a smile on his face as he reassured family, friends that they would be alright.)

(Her pa, falling into depression that took years to get out of.)

(Her pa, snoring under thin blankets as Ellie snuck out at night to work her second job to save up for the senior trip to Six Flags because Paul wanted her there.)

(Her pa, who had seemed to wake up the one day Ellie forgot to check the mail and her Space Academy acceptance letter came through.)

(Her pa, who had pulled his best suit out of his closet so he could see her off at the gates of the Academy.)

(Her pa, who had challenged her to find a new passion and matched it with finding his own.)

(Her pa, who was probably lying under scratchy hospital blankets, wires and tubes snaking out of his arms.) 

(Ellie always woke in a sweat.)

“Aster, I radioed in to Central a while ago. I’ve been packing.” The Academy-stamped harddrive had been a supportive letter from her superior excusing her from her post. It had included all the necessary documents she would need to pass through Academy checkpoints, and grant her access to any ships heading towards Earth, to ensure the fastest return possible. They had a replacement lined up, they had assured her. Ellie would have to wait another year while Earth-bound at least, before being reassigned to a new station where she could continue her research. Precautionary measures, they said. To heal from and monitor the effects of long term space flight.

Central hadn’t radioed in yet with the assigned craft she was meant to take home. She knew it was a romantic notion to hope that it would be Aster’s ship. But Aster was more important than Ellie was. Her work would help countless other people, other teams scattered around the galaxy. All of them doing work way more important than Ellie was. 

( _ They _ would be footnotes in history.) 

“I just wanted to say goodbye.” Ellie smiled. She was proud she managed to get it out without crying. “You’ve been amazing. I don’t know when or if we’d ever see each other - or I guess,  _ talk _ again. But I - I’ll miss you.” Ellie sighed when there was still no response after a long moment. She’d done it, she reflected as she pushed off to head back to her lab. So why did she still feel so guilty? 

“Ellie?” Ellie startled when Aster’s voice came over comms. She was breathless, her pants coming through even across the radio. “Ellie, are you still there? Damn it Cortez, why didn’t you - get back to your post, and if I catch you sleeping  _ again _ when I get back out there I’m shooting you out the airlock!” 

“Aster?” A shaky feeling of hope began to grow in her chest that Ellie desperately wanted to stamp out. She felt the hole inside her that had made itself at home ever since she realised she would have to say goodbye to two very important people in her life ache. “Are you there?” 

“Ellie! Yes, yes I’m here!” Ellie had never heard Aster this discomposed. “I’m sorry, I was taking my turn at sleeping, but my comms expert wasn’t paying attention - wait a minute, none of that’s important what the heck Aster.” She sounded so frustrated with herself, Ellie had to press her lips together to stifle her giggle. “Are you okay? I heard your message and I’m so sorry. I’ve been so worried, you have no - Ellie Chu are you  _ laughing _ at me?” 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Ellie managed through her giggles. God, she was tearing up again. “I’m just - I’m so happy to hear your voice. You have no idea.” Human beings are social beings. Even the most introverted person needed connection of some kind. Ellie sniffled. “Thank you for picking up, I guess.” 

“I am  _ so _ mad at you.” She sounded it too. Ellie felt contrite, but she couldn’t help smiling. “I could kill you right now.” 

“By shooting me out of the airlock?” 

“If I don’t feed you to your crazy plants first.” 

“Did you know the venus flytrap can digest human skin?” Oh gosh, there went another round of giggles. “It’ll take a while though. They can only eat like tiny bits.” 

Aster sighed. Ellie imagined her holding her face in her hands, since her voice was muffled when she spoke next. “I hate you so much, Ellie Chu.” 

“I know you don’t mean that.” Ellie closed her eyes as she let herself drift. “You’d miss me when I’m gone.” 

“About that.” Aster sounded so concerned, Ellie ached. “When are you leaving?” 

“Don’t know. As soon as Central finds a ship heading back towards the Milky Way, I’m gone I guess. They’re pretty adamant about making sure I get back as soon as possible. Guess the thing about them reading our letters is true.” 

“I could have told you that.” Aster gentled, and Ellie imagined her voice wrapping her up in a hug. Aster was definitely a hugger. “I’m sorry about your dad. I’m sure you want to be with him right now.” 

“You know,” Ellie murmured as she tapped a rhythm against her stomach. It sounded suspiciously like ‘Oops, I Did It Again’. Damn mixtape. “I’ve always wanted to be in space. That was like, the dream, you know.” Aster hummed to show she was listening. “But now that I’m here, I wonder if this was me being too ambitious.” She chuckled to herself. “Wow, brought down by my own hubris.” 

A silence, and Ellie filled her head with thoughts of progress for the sake of progress and parallel universes. And plants. Of course. “I can’t make judgements either way.” Aster spoke carefully. “But I know the feeling of wanting to run away to something better.” She sounded wry and understanding, and something about it splits Ellie right to the core. “I just want you to know that you’re not alone.” Not for the first time, Ellie itched to reach out and touch her. This wonderful being that knew the softest parts of her and gave back the same. Ellie felt like she would be able to pick Aster out on the street, despite having never seen her. Which was an irrational thought. 

(She imagined it anyway.)

“Thank you.” Her words got caught in her throat. “That means a lot.” 

They basked in the silence between them for a while longer before Aster broke it with an abrupt groan. “God, I wish we could be the ones to bring you back to the Milky Way.” 

“No chance?” 

“No,” Aster moaned. “We just got assigned a drop on the other side of this galaxy. So unless you want to take the world’s longest scenic route, I don’t think it’s going to happen.” 

Ellie laughed. “That’s okay. I’m sure something will come through for me soon.” Ellie’s smile softened. “You know, when you finish your drop, swing by my drop-off terminal. I want to give something to you.” 

“What?” Aster sounded suspicious. “This isn’t some sort of payback or something? ‘Cause lemme tell you, you do not want to start a prank war with me.” 

“How’d you know,” Ellie giggled, pinching herself to remind her that this was real. That this moment of happiness was  _ real _ . “I was going to leave an IOU for the toilet paper you owe me.” 

Aster groaned, and while Ellie couldn’t deny the bittersweet taste it left in her mouth to know that this might be one of the last times she and Aster would speak, she laughed anyway. 

How amazing, she thought to herself later, strapped into her bunk after reading the details of her pick-up. How amazing that she would find someone who  _ saw _ her in a space of infinite possibilities. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i promise this is where it gets really out of hand hahahaha


	4. between who we were and who we are now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie struggles to find her footing on Earth. Paul is a friend.

“And then?” Paul leaned in closer, his eagerness clear on his face. Ellie scrunched her nose at it. “Come on, did you like, leave some super sweet goodbye message or something? Tell her you’d wait for her on Earth or something?” 

“Dude, no.” Ellie consciously placed her mug on the coffee table. She’d resorted to using kiddy cups the first couple of weeks upon her return to Earth for fear of smashing yet another mug because she forgot about gravity. She’d just graduated to cups without lids, and was still banned from Paul’s stemware. Which was probably for the best. She nearly stabbed herself through the foot when she let go of a knife in mid-air, fully expecting it to drift around her. 

(It had made for some entertaining videos though.)

(Of course Paul had them saved on his phone and circulated it around to their friends.) 

(At least she looked cute all confused.)

Paul looked devastated. “What do you mean,  _ no _ ?” He reached out to shake Ellie by the shoulders. “It’s not every day you find your… your soulmate!”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” Ellie pushed at the arms holding her, scowl on her face. “No one said anything about love, alright?” The whole concept was scary to her. What a big four letter word. 

“Uh, nobody needs to. It’s written all over your face, nerd.” Paul tweaked her nose. “You love her.” 

Ellie rolled her eyes. “There are two very big flaws to your thesis. The first is that I’ve never even met her. Like, in real life.” Paul looked ready to refute that point, and Ellie simply raised a hand to stop him. “And secondly, even if we assume that is true - look at me. I’m not exactly a catch.” 

At this, Paul frowned. “Right. Firstly, you’re being ridiculous. You guys were like, online dating or whatever. Don’t tell me you’re shallow and looks are important to you - I won’t believe you.” Paul wagged his finger as if to say,  _ you should have known better _ . “And secondly, stop trash talking my best friend like that. I happen to think she’s pretty great.”

Ellie tried not to let herself get touched by that statement. “Regardless…” she stated firmly as she stood up to gather her things. “It’s not going to happen.” She smiled sadly. “She’s up there, and I’m down here, remember?” 

Adjusting to life on Earth was… weird, to say the least. Besides having to deal with  _ flipping _ gravity again, Ellie had struggled with having an actual day and night cycle. She viewed the Earth moon with so much more appreciation now, having spent a year staring at Poseidon. 

The lack of a lab was also an adjustment. Ellie suddenly had all this free time she didn’t know what to do with - if she wasn’t sitting with her pa at the hospital, or hanging out with Paul, she pretty much puttered around her pa’s apartment, binge watching bad reality tv and getting fat on junk food. 

The food was definitely an upside to this whole horrible situation. Ellie had missed having actual flavour when she ate - and saw no need to deny herself of that anymore, now that she was back on Earth. Even if her stomach didn’t thank her for it during the first two weeks after she was finally cleared for a non-liquid diet. 

(It was like having her period constantly, the way the cramps were. That wasn’t fun.)

One thing she missed was definitely her pa’s baos. She often brought it up when she visited him, going on and on about how much she looked forward to having some again once her pa was well again. He never spoke back, of course. But it was the sentiment that counted. 

(She sometimes pretended that she could hear him scold her for her priorities, and  _ what was the point of teaching you how to make them, Ellie Chu, if you’re going to keep waiting on me to make them for you every time you want to eat? _ )

“I’m just saying,” she muttered as she settled into the chair next to her pa’s hospital bed. “I can’t believe Paul got to eat them before you go, and the last time I got to eat them was what? Two years ago?” She huffed as she propped her feet up on the edge of the hospital bed. “I always knew he was your favourite.” 

Ellie paused to give her pa time to respond, not surprised when he didn’t. The stroke he’d suffered just as she had finally left quarantine had really done a number on him. In the quiet hospital room, the only sounds she could hear was the heart monitor with her pa’s steady heartbeat and the sound of him breathing through the oxygen mask. It was nice that her health benefits covered the full cost of her father’s treatment. Ellie had no idea how she would’ve afforded the bills otherwise. 

“I can’t believe you won’t even say goodbye,” Ellie whispered softly as she stared at the weak rise and fall of his chest. “You were the one that told me you’d see me when I got back. I think you need to be conscious for that to happen.” A bad habit, this was. Making jokes and being ridiculous during stressful situations. For some reason, Ellie could hear Aster indignantly asking if she was laughing at her worry. The thought almost brought a chuckle to her lips. 

The doctors had been very gentle when they broke the news to her. Her pa was old, they had explained. And after a certain point, it would just be prolonging the inevitable. 

And Ellie had understood. Of course she had. Her ma had been steadfastly against accepting another round of chemo, at the end. The amount of debt that would have put the family in was too much for her to bear. She wanted Ellie to use that money to go to school, she’d said, holding onto Ellie’s hands and smiling weakly up at her. Apologetic. Kind. She wanted Ellie to live the life that she had dreamed for her daughter. 

Ellie had borne that burden for many years. What a cruel twist of fate that it would be that way once again - that she would not be given a real choice, and that she would say goodbye to another parent way too soon. Sometimes, she wondered if her ma and pa had ever imagined their grandchildren. What sort of partner had they wanted Ellie to have? What sort of mother did they think she would be? 

Ellie would never know the answer to those questions now. So much wasted time, she mused, staring off into the distance. In her mind’s eye, she recalls the way it felt to float through her cabin, eyes closed with Aster’s mixtape playing on her Walkman. 

Ellie sighed. Being all maudlin like this wasn’t like her. She reached out and held her father’s hand, thin and fragile - like dumpling skin before it was steamed. Ellie marveled at how at one point, her father’s hands had been full of life. Like flowers in bloom. 

“I’m not ready for you to go, pa,” she whispered against the back of his palm, her lips pressed against the skin there. She felt weightless, and not in the good way. “Please stay with me.” 

She spent the rest of that visit counting the seconds between each of her pa’s breaths.

\- - - - -

Her father dies on a Tuesday, which honestly pisses Ellie off a little. Tuesdays were in-between days. And a weekday. Which meant people had to take time off work, and Ellie had to stay up all night to let people know. 

Her father was cremated according to his wishes. Ellie decided to just hold the wake at her pa’s apartment - now hers, she supposed. A surprising number of people turned up, some of her schoolmates even. People spoke kindly of her father, and Ellie plastered a smile on her face as she reassured people that she was alright, she would be fine. 

(Inwardly, she kept reaching out for her father’s hand, only to feel sad every time it wasn’t there.) 

Paul was there, with the food critic from Wenatchee. In between the well-wishes and the sorry-for-your-loss casseroles, she watched the way they orbited around each other - Paul making his way around the room to talk to people while Rachel helped bring food and drinks out of the kitchen. Every time they were close to each other, one would reach out - a hand on the shoulder there, a quick grasp of the fingers here. Paul was right - Ellie did like Rachel, and could see them becoming friends. 

“Stop flirting with your girlfriend at my pa’s funeral,” Ellie whispered as she came up behind her best friend. He startled at her proximity, obviously expecting someone else. Ellie tried not to feel hurt by that.

“Your pa liked her.” Paul turned to her with red-rimmed eyes. He had stayed up with Ellie the night before, calling around. At one point, Ellie had fallen asleep after getting off the phone with the funeral home in charge of cremating her father’s body, and had woken up a few hours later in the weak pre-dawn light to a blanket over her body and Paul shuffling around in the kitchen making breakfast. He had smiled at her, boyish in a man’s frame, and Ellie felt a surge of gratitude so great she had to roll over and pretend to go back to sleep. 

“Pa always had good taste.” Ellie felt the beginnings of a story about her ma begin to trip off her tongue, but stopped herself when she realised he was not the person she wanted to tell it to. She stilled and inhaled deep, willing the breath to fortify her as she turned away to survey the scene. “You know, I didn’t think this place could hold this many people.” Outside, the afternoon train rattled past, unknowing that the stationmaster of Squahamish had passed on with no one to take his place. Ellie didn’t even want to think about what that meant. 

“I can already hear your pa telling off the Bell’s children for touching his model train collection.” As he said that, Paul began to walk over to the shelf that had been there since Ellie was a child, proudly showcasing all the trains her father had painstakingly put together and painted. Before he could get too far away, Ellie reached out to grasp his wrist. 

“I never played with them,” Ellie said with a wistful smile. “Pa would be glad someone’s getting some joy out of them.” 

Paul blinked at that, and looked at her consideringly. And then he smiled, and Ellie smiled with him. 

(No wonder he was pa’s favourite child.) 

\- - - - -

Ellie writes to Aster. It was silly, and almost useless - to go from constant communication to having to wait weeks to even know if the letters got sent up into space. The first couple of days in quarantine and readjustment, Ellie kept fidgeting, unused to the silence and lack of Aster’s voice in her ear. It was made easier when she started learning how to walk again - her body was recovering from the effects of long-term space flight, and Ellie had to suffer through her legs swelling and her knee flaring with pain as if she’d torn it all over again. The physical exercises kept her busy. 

(It was made even easier when they finally returned the bag of things Ellie had brought with her from her station - Aster’s Walkman, the sketch of the landscape, her research, some books, a scribbled-on fire safety manual she  _ definitely _ shouldn’t have taken off the craft.)

(Ellie alternated between resting to Aster’s mixtape and catching up on everything she’d missed since she left Earth a year ago - podcasts, tv shows, new music.)

She tells Aster about learning how to walk again; about adjusting to gravity and dropping a bowl of soup all over herself like a baby; about a new song she’d heard that she thought Aster would like. She tells her about how it felt to finally be allowed to go see her pa in the hospital, how nauseous she felt when she saw his pale face with all sorts of new lines he didn’t have before, how she had to get some air after the doctors told her about his prognosis. 

She tells Aster about how it felt to see Paul again, how they fell back into each other like she had never left. How much fun she has teasing him about Rachel, and how much fun it was to tease Rachel about Paul. She tells Aster about Munsky’s Taco Sausages, and promises to save her a few for her to try. 

She tells Aster when her pa dies. She doesn’t tell her how it felt to hold his hand as he breathed his last; doesn’t tell her how it felt to know - with unerring certainty - that she was alone in the world now; doesn’t tell her she didn’t cry until she had managed to convince Paul she would be alright in her pa’s apartment alone, after the funeral. 

Instead she tells Aster about sitting up through the night to hear the birdsong in the morning, and tells her about the comforting routine of the trains. 

She doesn’t tell Aster about the nightmares, or about how she kept speaking aloud and expecting Aster’s response in her ear despite it having been more than three months since they last spoke. She doesn’t tell Aster about how she hasn’t touched her research since she returned, how sometimes the pain in her legs has her crying and unable to sleep at night. She doesn’t tell Aster about spending an entire day dissociating as she stared at her family’s altar, her mother and father reunited at last in their urns next to each other. 

She tells Aster, in every letter, that she hopes that Aster and her team are doing well. She teases Aster by saying her civilian life is so full of Paul in her life again that she doesn’t have time to feel lonely, and that sometimes, she looks up at the night sky and flips Aster the bird because she knew Aster would laugh at that. 

She doesn’t tell Aster that she misses her. 

\- - - - - 

Paul brings up the subject a month after her pa dies. Asks her what her plans are now that everything’s pretty much settled down. Ellie looks up from the accounts she had offered to help him balance, and so far the afternoon had felt like the ones before the Academy - when Ellie spent most of her days curled up in one of the old train cars with Paul, talking about everything and nothing. 

(Talking about space and taco sausage businesses and dreams.)

“I don’t know,” Ellie decides on finally, turning back to the numbers that had begun to swim in front of her eyes. She should take a break, probably. “I’m still waiting for them to send a replacement for pa at the station.” That was due to happen soon; the transport authority promising that they had found a suitable candidate after weeks of searching. “Once that’s done, I’ll probably head back to base and see what projects I get assigned to in the labs.” 

In truth, the Academy had given her more paid leave as was her due for being on a long-term space mission. Ellie didn’t have to return for another month at least, and her superiors were very understanding of the loss of her pa. Ellie should’ve at least been thinking ahead at this point, about things like packing up her pa’s apartment, finding her own place closer to the Academy so that she didn’t have to live on base. 

Instead, Ellie was happy to continue spending her days with Paul, helping him build up his dream. 

(Happy to continue pretending that life wasn’t moving forward without her.)

“You don’t sound excited.” Her best friend was frowning at her, she could feel it. “You love your work.” Ellie shrugged noncommittally and Paul sighed. She wished he would just come out and ask the question she knew had been bothering him already.

“Ellie.” The scientist doesn’t respond. “Ellie, come on.” She hisses when he reaches out to take the papers away from her. The nerve. Paul simply raises his eyebrows when she focuses her glare on him. 

“I know you miss it.” Paul’s smile was brittle, like he was plastering it on because he knew Ellie needed to see it. She hated him for it. “Being up there. I see your lights on till late. I know you’re not sleeping.” Ellie rolled her eyes, shifting to get out of the chair. Paul catches her wrist and begs her with this puppy-dog look. “You know you can talk to me, right? About anything.” 

For a moment, Ellie debates giving in. Telling him about how she dreams of things she cannot have, only to wake up to an empty home that hasn’t felt like home in a long time. Wants to share how she still makes stupid mistakes sometimes like setting out two plates for dinner because she forgets that she is alone now. Imagines how understanding he would be if she tells him how scared she was, not knowing what else she can do because she’s been forced to restart her life three times now and she doesn’t know how to do it again - doesn’t think she has the strength this time. 

More than anything, she wants to tell him how she can’t bear her reflection anymore - because she can’t help herself from searching for signs of her ma in her jaw, her eyes; her pa in her smile and her nose. She wants to be honest and say that the thought of continuing on with her life the way it used to be was impossible now, because it felt strange to live for herself again, after so many years using her pa and her ma as a counterpoint for everything she understood in her world. 

(She had run to space to escape them. And now that she didn’t have to anymore, she wasn’t sure what to do.)

She wants to tell him she wonders sometimes how Aster was doing, because of course the lieutenant had carved her way into Ellie’s safe spaces and made herself at home. Wishes she could be honest about how much she was hiding, how many words she didn’t know to put together to name all the feelings living in her skin - buzzing and itching and keeping her up at night almost as much as the pain in her knee did. She wants to tell him she feels useless now, weightless like she did in space - except the feeling didn’t bring her joy anymore because she was stuck here on Earth. Where gravity kept people grounded, where small towns weren’t kind to those who were  _ different _ . 

Ellie opens her mouth to shape these truths in words she could use to tell Paul everything she was feeling - 

(and she  _ wants _ to)

but then she thinks about how much Paul has had to go through because of her, how strong he has always been  _ because _ of her - and she cannot bear to break that dynamic with him. To Paul, Ellie Chu always had the answers, and things would be okay as long as Ellie was okay. 

And so instead of telling him that she felt so lost she couldn’t breathe sometimes, she squeezes his hand in both of hers and smiles her brightest smile. 

(And if it felt  _ exactly _ like the smile she had on her face at her pa’s funeral, she tries not to feel guilty about that.) 

“I know, Paul. Thank you.” 

\- - - - -

Ellie is in the middle of a Zoom call with her therapist when someone knocks on the door. Ellie frowns as she takes out an earbud, waiting for Paul to just use his spare key to thunder up the stairs up to the living room. When there is silence, Ellie thinks she’s imagined it. 

And then the knock comes again. Ellie tilts her head, because she hasn’t ordered anything, and no one visits her except Paul. 

Her therapist tells her it’s fine if she has to go, and that they’ll see each other next week at the same time. Ellie apologises for the disruption - except she doesn’t feel very sorry at all. 

(It was getting harder and harder to keep up the front that she was handling everything okay just so she could keep her job and not get suspended for health reasons.)

Ellie worries that whoever had been knocking might have thought she wasn’t home, so she yells that she’s coming as she hangs up with her therapist and pulls on a worn Academy sweatshirt to stand up from the sofa with a grimace. Her brace makes it hard to go fast, but Ellie tries anyway, cursing the stairs down to the front door as she always does. 

She is distracted by thoughts of moving to someplace that didn’t have stairs for this very reason as she opens the door. A woman who was in the middle of walking away turns back, about ten feet away from her. Ellie doesn’t recognise her - she has tan skin and shoulder-length hair, curling over a jean jacket that must’ve felt perfect against the weak Squahamish summer. She was leaning on a cane with one hand, the other hugging a bouquet of vibrant flowers against her chest. Slung across her back was a huge army duffel. 

“Were you the one who knocked on my door?” Ellie calls out, shivering in the brisk air outside her pa’s apartment. When the woman nods but doesn’t say anything, Ellie raised an eyebrow. “Can I help you?” 

Ellie sees her inhale, a smile spreading across her lips as she begins to walk towards her. The scientist frowns as something about the limping gait registers as familiar. “I know it’s not the portrait I promised,” the woman starts speaking as she gets close, and Ellie’s frown deepens. “But I figured the real thing might be better.” When Ellie continued staring at her with that same confusion, the woman laughed. “Sorry, we haven’t formally met.” 

And Ellie - oh, Ellie gasps then. Because she  _ knew _ .

“Lieutenant Aster Flores of the Ninth Brigade, reporting for shore leave.” Aster’s grin was somehow exactly and nothing like what Ellie had imagined it being. “Permission to hug you, Ellie Chu?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tbh anyone who's ever read anything I've written should know by now to subscribe so you know when chapters come up. i don't really keep to a posting schedule lol


	5. endings and beginnings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie makes a new friend. Aster is a big, tough lieutenant (sounds fake, but okay).

After a hug that had gone on almost embarrassingly long - 

(not that either would admit to it) 

Ellie had all but shoved Aster into her pa’s apartment, ushering her up the stairs as she tried to come to terms with what was happening. 

Lieutenant Aster Flores was in her living room, looking tired but happy as she puttered around looking at pictures and knick-knacks. “Oh my god, Ells,” Aster cooed as she bent at the waist to look at a picture of Ellie’s second birthday party. “You were the cutest baby.” 

“Yeah, sorry I lost all that baby fat growing up,” Ellie remarked wryly as she limped back into the living room carrying a jug of iced tea and two kiddy cups. Aster catches sight of them and laughs, long and loud. 

(And oh, it warmed Ellie up in a different way than it had over a radio.)

(This laugh was fuller, deeper.)

(And all the more beautiful for the way it lit up Aster’s face.)

“Oh thank god. I was worried I’d have to concentrate really hard to not make a mess.” Ellie liked this, she realised as she helped Aster settle as best as she could into the sofa next to her pa’s recliner. Actually seeing Aster’s expressions, being able to share this small reminder of their time in space together. 

“So, Aster,” Ellie tried for casual as she sipped at her drink. “What brings you to this neck of the woods?” She wished she wasn’t such a nerd, but any chance of coming across as smooth in front of the lieutenant had flown out the window a long time ago. Ellie wasn’t expecting anything, really. Maybe Aster was just visiting a friend, was dropping by on her way home - she did mention she lived in Sacramento. Squahamish was a ways out of that journey, but if their roles had been reversed, Ellie would have made the trip. “I didn’t even know your mission had ended.” 

“Been Earth-bound for 55 days and counting, ma’am.” So Aster had probably been on base while Ellie had been accepting casseroles she wouldn’t eat. “It was like stepping out into a whole new world. I’m sure you know the feeling.” New people on the teams at the Academy, new buildings that had never been there when they left, even something as small as the menu changing in the cafeteria - reminders that  _ they _ were the ones displaced. 

(New faces on the television, favourite flavours of chips discontinued, new cars on the road.)

(Maybe that was why Ellie clung onto Squahamish, where nothing really changed.)

“I got your letters,” Aster continued, unknowing of the way Ellie’s heart jumped at the statement. “Central never sent them up; they knew I was coming back and kept them for me to read here. It was nice.” Ellie liked the gleam in the lieutenant’s eyes, the way she looked at her. “It was a little bit of normal, you know? Hearing from you.” She grimaced. “Those few weeks without you were so weird. It was so  _ quiet _ .” She chuckled when Ellie shook her head. “You probably didn’t miss that.”

“I did.” Ellie swallowed at the sudden sharpness in Aster’s gaze. Just a flash, and then it was gone, hidden behind the pleasantness. Ellie scratched behind her ear. “I mean, I kept talking out loud. Kinda felt crazy,” Ellie huffed. “But it’s to be expected, right?” Aster looked at her patiently. “I mean, we were in each other’s ear pretty much 24/7.” 

The lieutenant softened with a breathless laugh. “I suppose so.” She sighed as she shifted in her seat, stretching her legs out with a wince. “My legs hurt so bad.” She glanced over as if they were sharing a secret. “You mentioned it, but I had no idea.” Aster leaned back and closed her eyes, letting out a long breath. “This is what I get for acting tough.” 

Ellie was nearly distracted by the way the edges of her lips curled in self-deprecation. Nearly. 

They continue chatting like this for a while, time measured by laughter and the emptying of the jug. The sun setting painted the house golden, and in its simplicity highlighted the vivid bouquet Aster had brought her. Ellie closed her eyes at one point, content to just listen to Aster’s voice as her fingers tapped a rhythm on her cup. This was nice and comfortable, Ellie realised, smiling as Aster regaled her with a story of her team’s shenanigans while Ellie had been gone. It was almost like they were back up there again, in space. 

Except. 

“Aster,” Ellie cradled her cup in her hands, needing something to hold as she tried to steel her nerves during a lull in the conversation. They’d turned on the radio at some point, Ellie wanting something to distract her from her urge to  _ touch _ this person next to her. “Why are you here?” 

“I told you,” Aster shrugged a shoulder. “Mission ended.” 

“Yeah, that’s obvious, lieutenant.” A flare of something in her belly, a swoop she won’t let grow into hope. “What I’m asking is what are you doing  _ here _ ? In Squahamish. In my house.” 

Aster seemed to be preparing herself to say something hard. She squeezed her eyes tight, and when she opened them Ellie was taken aback by how open they looked, how vulnerable. 

(Ellie had never imagined the lieutenant looking vulnerable.)

(Not with all her quick wit and sometimes-childishness.)

“I didn’t have anywhere else to go.” Ellie sucked in a breath. Aster’s face shuttered as she continued to speak, turning her head to stare up at the ceiling, her tone even and rehearsed. “Originally I had planned to stay on base, had all the paperwork sorted and everything. But when they showed me where I would be staying, I just - I couldn’t be there. Not after so long up in space in that bloody spacecraft.” Aster laughed, but there was no humour. “There was just - so much. It was loud, and the air had smells again, and I felt trapped in a way I never did in a tin can for a year.” When Aster turned to face her, Ellie felt something funny twist her insides. 

“In one of your letters, you talked about the birds singing at dawn, and the roads looking like untouched pages with the fresh snow. And I know it was selfish, but I  _ wanted _ it, so bad.” Aster twisted her fingers in the handle of the sippy cup. Ellie was struck once again with the image of the normally confident lieutenant looking… lost. 

(Weightless.)

“So you came all the way to Squahamish… for the birds?” Aster licked her lips and opened her mouth to say something, but seemed to decide better of it. Her nod was simple and unexpectant. “That’s a four hour trip.” 

“It was worth it, to know I’d get to see you.” Aster’s cheeks had a tinge of red that Ellie would have missed if she hadn’t been watching so carefully. The lieutenant finished off her drink to hide her face, to give them both a moment to catch themselves from the vulnerability of the moment. 

“Aster, I…” Ellie wasn’t sure what to say. A part of her wanted to tell Aster it was okay, that Ellie would have done the same thing; another, more rational part of her told her things were moving way too fast. 

Aster seemed to understand her turmoil, and set her cup on the table so she could take Ellie’s hands in hers. “I know it’s a lot,” Aster began, her thumb sweeping across the knuckles of Ellie’s hand in a soothing pattern. “I shouldn’t have just dropped in like this. I know how much you like your plans.” She chuckled when Ellie warmed all over and pouted. “But I couldn’t help myself. Ellie…” Aster seemed to be searching Ellie’s face for something. Ellie desperately hoped she found it. 

A twitch of the lips, a look through the eyelashes. Aster was a vision, Ellie idly noticed as she watched Aster gather her thoughts. She wished she had the breath to say something - she felt like she should say something. 

But before she could, Aster beat her to it. “I could be reading this all wrong,” she drawled lazily, shifting closer towards Ellie as she did so. Her eyes were a warm brown, Ellie realised, as she unconsciously mirrored the action to bring their faces only inches apart. “But I have… grown rather fond of you, Ellie Chu.” A murmur, barely there. Ellie’s heart kicked into triple time. “And I get the feeling that you might feel the same way.” 

Ellie, despite herself, dropped her gaze to Aster’s lips. Plush and soft-looking. Damn. 

(Ellie was weak towards pretty girls with pretty smiles.)

“I…” Aster shook her head as Ellie tried to speak, brows furrowing when she realised there were no words. The lieutenant didn’t seem put off by it; though Ellie bit back her pout when the other woman took that as her cue to lean back and put distance between them. Her hands were still gently holding onto Ellie’s though, and Aster’s eyes darted down to them and back up playfully. 

“I have a room at the inn in town, by the Tex-Mex place. When you’re ready, come see me.” Aster lifted their joined hands and pressed a kiss to the back of Ellie’s like some sort of Victorian suitor. She squeezed Ellie’s hands once before letting them go, moving to get her cane to stand, her duffel to leave.

“Wait.” Ah, there were her words. Aster stood in front of her, her face patient. Ellie wanted to ask so many things. Wanted to ask what it really meant that Aster had come all the way here to see the birds. Wanted to ask how long she was staying. Wanted to ask if anything would change their friendship. 

But they were all big questions, and Ellie had a suspicion that the answers to them were obvious and similar. So instead of asking any of them, she said instead - “I’ll drive you.” 

Aster smiles like Ellie couldn’t have said anything better. “Please do.” 

\- - - - - 

Ellie drops Aster off at the inn and lingers until she’s checked in and settled in her room. The lieutenant doesn’t seem to mind Ellie fretting and negotiating with the owner on her behalf; Ellie had written enough of the guy’s essays during high school to cash in on this favour, she’d grumped when Aster had raised an eyebrow at how steadfast Ellie was being. There had been a glint of something in Aster’s eyes when Ellie managed to not only get Aster the friends and family discount, but also free, unlimited WiFi along with a discount voucher for some of the restaurants and bars along the main street that Ellie knew the owner was meant to give out to customers but kept for himself instead. 

“That was… something else,” Aster chuckled as Ellie set the lieutenant’s duffel in the corner of her room. It seemed decent enough, Ellie had commented upon crossing the threshold, to which Aster had replied that it was much nicer than some of the places she’d stayed in while homeless. 

(Ellie filed that away under the ever-growing list of things she didn’t know about Lieutenant Aster Flores.)

“It’s the least he could do for a ranked military official.” Ellie sat on the edge of the bed to give her leg a rest, patting the spot next to her for the lieutenant to take. Aster sank onto it gratefully, the stairs having hurt her more than Ellie because she was much newer to being back on Earth. “If he gives you any trouble, you let me know.” 

“That’s a little hard to do without your number, isn’t it?” Ellie rolled her eyes at the smooth delivery. Aster simply laughed and dug out her phone to hand over to the scientist, who keyed in her details and handed it back. She was caught off-guard when Aster leaned in close with the phone held up in front of them to take a selfie. 

“Aster!” 

“We look cute,” Aster ignored her as she tapped on her screen to set it as the contact photo. “ _ You’re _ cute.” 

“Stop,” Ellie whined, feeling her face heat up once again, and she had to hide it behind her hands for fear of the lieutenant seeing it. 

Aster laughed as she reached out to pull them away from her face. She nudged Ellie with her knee to get her to look up at her sincere gaze. “I will, if you really want me to.” Ellie blinked. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. That isn’t what this is about.” Aster bit her lip and ducked her head, something Ellie was quickly beginning to note as her tell. 

(It excited Ellie to be able to know these things for certain, instead of just imagining.) 

“I may or may not have like, wanted to tell you these things for a while now.” Aster shook her head at herself. “It’s so lame.” 

“Good thing I’m like, the most uncool person on the planet,” Ellie rushed to defend her, something inside her unwilling to look at the self-deprecation on Aster’s face. “We’re in good company.” 

Aster beamed. Like, honest-to-god beamed. “That we are.” 

Ellie left the lieutenant to rest some time later and found herself parking outside of Paul’s house. She had stopped by the previous day to finish off helping him with his accounts, and they hadn’t made plans to hang out today, but she didn’t feel the need to call. Paul always made time for her. 

Ellie was still seeing the flowers the lieutenant had gotten her in her mind’s eye as she knocked on the door to her best friend’s house, not waiting before letting herself in with her key. 

“Paul? I kinda have a situation, and I - oh. Rachel.” Ellie stopped abruptly in the front hallway, caught off-guard by the sight of the food critic from Wenatchee perched on the kitchen counter in only a button down and nothing else. Both of them stood and stared at each other for a moment, before Ellie swiftly turned to hide her burning face. “Sorry, I didn’t know Paul had company.” 

An easy, high laugh. “You’re fine, Ellie. I’m surprised this hasn’t happened earlier, actually.” The sound of footsteps, the clink of a glass. “Are you staying for dinner? I can go put on some clothes.”

“Oh no, I wouldn’t want to intrude,” Ellie began to back towards the door, just wishing she wasn’t in this situation entirely. Rachel and her got along, but Ellie still didn’t really know her beyond the definition of Paul’s girlfriend. “Seriously, I’ll just leave.” 

“Don’t be ridiculous,” Rachel huffed as Ellie stilled with her hand on the doorknob. “Paul just stepped out to grab some wine; he’ll throw a fit if he knew I turned you away.” Ellie jumped when she felt hands on her shoulder - when had Rachel come up behind her. “Come on, go sit in the living room.” 

In the end, Ellie perched stiffly on Paul’s sofa, unsure of where to put her hands, her feet, her everything. It was weird, she mused, feeling like an intruder in a home she knew as well as her own. Paul had her over multiple times a week. But it was different without him around in it. It wasn’t her space. 

Rachel didn’t seem to have any of those reservations. She puttered about in the kitchen after returning from the bedroom - with pants on, thank god - and Ellie listened to the sound of cupboards and doors opening and closing as Rachel prepared something. 

“How do you take your tea?”  _ Boiling hot and with too much sugar _ , Ellie wanted to say, but simply called out that she would have whatever Rachel was having. She nodded gratefully when Rachel handed her the mug, wrapping her hands around it to let it warm her palms. The food critic settled on the armchair next to her with a sigh, sipping at her own drink while she appraised Ellie. 

“Don’t mind me saying this,” Rachel started, wincing apologetically. “But you look like you need a long nap and someone to talk to.” 

The corners of Ellie’s lips curled up slightly. “That bad, huh?” When Rachel simply shrugged, leaning forward to show she was listening, Ellie rolled her shoulders and tried to gather her thoughts. Maybe confiding in Rachel would help more. Paul would no doubt be biased towards Aster, especially since he was really hung up on the idea of Ellie finally dating. 

“A… friend of mine dropped by this afternoon. From out of town.” Odd, to say that. “I wasn’t expecting to see her again, I guess, and it kinda threw me for a loop.” 

“A friend?” Rachel’s gaze flicked down to where Ellie had begun to absentmindedly press the mug against her bad knee, not commenting on it. “Isn’t that a good thing?” 

“Yeah, don’t get me wrong. It’s just -” Ellie rolled the mug across her skin, back and forth, back and forth. “It’s just weird. The last time we spoke to each other, it had felt like a goodbye.” Final. “I didn’t expect to ever see her.” 

(Ellie catches herself not saying  _ again _ .)

(She suspects Rachel noticed it too.)

The food critic sipped from her tea, humming consideringly. “I get that. It’s like meeting an ex, huh? You don’t have anything left to say to each other, and trying to do small talk seems so… banal.” Ellie frowned at the comparison. Rachel didn’t miss this and raised her eyebrows, her tone neutral. “Was it mutual? The goodbye, I mean.” 

“I guess so.” Ellie scratched at the inside of her elbow, digging the nails into the soft skin to feel the sting. “I mean, I was leaving for good. She was staying. It felt like we were at the end of our story, almost.” Hearing the sappy description made her wince. “I mean, in a non-weird way.” 

Rachel chuckled. “You sure it’s just a friend?” When Ellie frowned at her, Rachel shrugged. “It just sounds like whatever went on between the two of you was deep. And obviously more meaningful than just friends - not that you can’t have that kind of depth amongst your friends.” Ellie paused to consider that. Rachel had a point - Ellie didn’t talk about Paul like this, not even when she had been up in space. And Paul was arguably the most important relationship in her life. Rachel gave her the moment to mull that over before continuing, “Either way, it seems like she’s put a lot into making contact with you again. She must feel like she didn’t want the story to finish just yet.” 

The thought of that made Ellie’s heart skip a beat. She knew exactly how Aster wanted their story to continue, and she wasn’t sure if she was ready for that. 

(She had not been made to love, a voice in her head spoke, reminding her of her ma and pa, the people she had loved most.)

(She thinks of a scrapbook her ma would never see, hidden in the back of her closet; of Veronica Steele’s fear when she realised that something  _ could _ have happened between her and Ellie Chu because they were both  _ different _ .)

(She thinks of space and astronaut training and blown out knees; of drowsy afternoons with Paul and watching his eyes grow dreamy and distant when they talked about Rachel.) 

(She thinks of her pa’s proud smile when he waved her goodbye at the gates of the Academy; the way his skin seemed to stretch across his bones as he fought to keep breathing in those final hours.)

(She thinks of the desperate way she gripped his hand and prayed for him to hang on, a part of her brain already bracing herself for all the things she needed to do for his funeral.)

“I just -” Ellie sipped from her drink before returning it to its purpose as a hot water bottle, back and forth over her bad knee. “I don’t know if I want to even revisit that part of my life, you know?” It was the first time Ellie had spoken that thought aloud, the dilemma that kept her up at night. What did space hold for her specifically, now that her pa was gone? What could she do in that tiny station on the fringe of a new galaxy that she couldn’t replicate with a low-gravity room? 

What did Ellie miss about  _ space _ , really?

“That’s fair,” Rachel nodded sagely. “Sometimes a book has to end where it ends, because the protagonist has already gotten what they wanted. They’ve slain the dragon, gotten the love interest, and we’re not interested in what happens after they ride off into the sunset. Surely, a happy ever after is on the other side of the horizon.” Rachel shrugged casually as she posed the question to Ellie, who was listening with rapt attention. “I guess the question is, have you gotten what you wanted yet?” 

“I -” And that was what it came down to, didn’t it? What Ellie wanted. 

(She wasn’t sure she knew  _ how _ to want.) 

Before Ellie could try to come up with a response, there was the jangle of keys in the front door and Paul stepping through, his head turned around as he called into the house. “Hey, that’s Ellie’s car up front.”

“We’re in here babe,” Rachel yelled back, reaching over to squeeze Ellie’s good knee comfortingly. In a quieter voice, she murmured, “If you ever need someone to talk to, you can always come to me. I know we just met, but -” 

“No, definitely.” Ellie wished she was the sort of person who could reach out to pat the hand on her knee to show her appreciation. “You’ve given me a lot to think about.” Rachel smiled sincerely, which Paul caught as he wandered into the living room, a wide grin on his face. 

“Is this girl talk?” Paul waggled his eyebrows. “Can I join?” 

“Nah,” Ellie interrupted before Rachel could say anything. “It’s a secret.” Paul gasped in fake-scandal. “In fact, we were just talking about how we should meet up to enjoy a cootie-free zone more often.” She chanced a glance at Rachel who was looking between the two best friends with amusement. As Ellie caught her eye, the food critic laughed and nodded. 

“Sorry babe, but she’s right. I like her more than you, I think.” Paul stared for a moment before nodding simply, like it made sense. 

“Yeah, me too, honestly. Ellie’s pretty great, isn’t she?” Wondering how it was that she had suddenly been caught in a moment of mush, Ellie groaned and pointed a finger threateningly at her best friend as she stood up to leave. 

“Stop being gross. You know I don’t like it,” Ellie huffed as she drained the last of her tea and moved to set it in the sink. She yelped as Paul grabbed her arm to pull her into a bearhug. “Put me down you brute!” 

“Not until you say you love me!” Paul sing-songed as he picked her up off the floor and spun her around, ignoring her flailing arms and undignified squawks. “Come on Ellie! Say it. Say it!” 

And as Ellie managed to choke out those three simple words through her breathless laughter, she wondered if maybe Rachel had a point. 

What if the things she wanted had been down here on Earth all along?

\- - - - - 

The next morning found Ellie sat in the lobby of where Aster was staying, waiting for the lieutenant with a cup of coffee for each of them in her hands. She busied herself with reading a tourist’s guide to Squahamish to avoid the eye of the old schoolmate she’d argued with yesterday; nothing like confrontation to turn someone’s interest towards the many - read: two - interesting things the small town had to offer. 

(Ellie finds her lips pulling at the corners as she read the section she’d written many years ago on the train station - she’d forgotten what a good copywriter she’d been.)

“She was screaming in her sleep last night, you know.” Ellie lifted her head when Matt broke the silence between them. For the life of her, Ellie couldn’t remember anything else about him. He had been a jock, that was for sure - Ellie had kept the lights on thanks to their word of mouth and complete disinterest in academics - but she couldn’t recall if he was the one that tried to spike the punch at their prom or if he was the one that was caught having sex with Melissa Cooper under the bleachers after a game by his then-girlfriend. 

“What?” Either way, Matt seemed to have mellowed out over the years - or maybe Ellie was just more assertive now. He seemed like a ghost of his former high school self; muscles soft with age, the beginnings of a beer belly. He had one of those beards that never seemed to fill itself in, and he actually seemed nicer now. Ellie narrowed her eyes when he seemed to chew on the inside of his cheek as if wondering if he should say any more. “Matt.” 

“She woke up the rest of the guests.” Matt winced as he caved, crossing his arms as if to defend himself. “Like, you mentioned she was some veteran or something -” 

“She’s a lieutenant on leave, Matt. She’s still part of the Academy military.” 

“Right, right,” Matt ran a hand through his hair weakly as he nodded. Ellie frowned as she noticed it shaking. “The space thing. Right.” He shrugged when Ellie continued to stare at him. “She must’ve had a nightmare or something, because she was really screaming. And I had to come in because knocking on the door didn’t work, and when I tried to shake her shoulder, she had me pinned to the floor.” He pressed his lips together as if a new detail had just occurred to him. “Was she like, injured or something? Is that why she’s back down here? ‘Cause she mostly just dragged me to the floor with her - like she had fallen out of bed or something.” 

“Long-term space flight,” Ellie answered absently. “Our muscles atrophy because of the lack of gravity up there; so when we come back we have to train them back up again.” She shook her head free of those thoughts as she stood with their drinks. “Was she hurt?” 

“I’m fine as well, thanks for asking,” Matt muttered sarcastically, rolling his left shoulder a little. He withered at Ellie’s glare. “Well, she seemed just fine. Thanked me for waking her up and apologised for the disturbance.” 

Ellie’s frown deepened. “Thanks Matt. I’m just gonna -” She gestured towards the stairs and left before he could say anything else. She climbed the stairs and stopped outside of Aster’s room. 

This close she could hear the sounds of movement inside, muffled cursing through the walls. They quieted when she knocked, and a moment later the door opened just a crack for Aster to peek through. 

“Ellie?” The lieutenant had a massive bruise painting her jaw, no doubt from where she’d fallen on it the night before. Her eyes were red-rimmed and tired, and her hair still had signs of bedhead. It was already ten in the morning, well past the usual time Aster would normally be awake, Ellie knew. “I’m not ready yet, sorry. If you’d give me another moment -” 

“I’m good with doing up buttons.” Ellie shrugged, keeping her tone light on purpose. “And I can show you some of the exercises the hospital showed me to do on my pa while he was in the hospital. They kinda help with the soreness.” She avoided Aster’s gaze as she offered the lieutenant’s cup to her. “Also, I have yet to find a problem a little coffee couldn’t help with.” 

Aster was scowling, a stubborn slant to her features. She looked ready to say something until the point Ellie all but shoved the drink towards her nose, which is when she took a deep breath and let it out slowly. “Ellie,” she began, her gaze gentle despite the bite in her tone. “I couldn’t ask you to -”

“I know you’re not. You wouldn’t.” Ellie couldn’t help the slight chuckle. “But I’m offering. Or at least take the coffee.” Ellie waited, as Aster seemed to wrestle with herself. The scientist knew she almost had her. “I can come in, not look at anything you don’t feel comfortable with, help you and then we can never speak of it again. Or I can turn around and head back downstairs and stew in really awkward tension with Matt till you’re ready and pretend that I don’t really want to at least check out your bruise. It looks like it hurts.” Something in Ellie’s face must’ve given away her sincerity, because Aster finally sighed and opened the door wider to let Ellie slip into the bedroom. 

Ellie kept her eyes down as she shuffled just enough to let the door close behind her. Her breath caught when she realised that Aster’s pants were pooled around her ankles, as if the lieutenant hadn’t been able to pull them up to her waist. Ellie didn’t comment on it though; she would never do something so cruel. 

“You can look, Ellie. It’s fine.” Aster sounded a little lighter now, a wry smile on her face when Ellie finally faced her. “I just - I’m not used to being helped.”  _ I know the feeling _ , Ellie wanted to say, but didn’t. “I’m nearly thirty and I can’t do up my own pants. What a loser.” 

“I cried the first time I realised I had to bend down to tie my shoelaces,” Ellie blurted out without thinking. Aster blinked, but her stare was attentive as Ellie continued to ramble, setting the cups onto a nearby surface before she knelt down to grab the waist of the pants. “I was in so much pain already from learning how to walk - but they finally let me try getting ready by myself that morning, without anyone helping me.” The nursing team had been nothing but professional as they helped Ellie through rehabilitation. Somehow, it had made everything worse - Ellie had felt like a doll playing dress-up. “And when I finally got my outfit on, I realised I was going to have to get down to do up the laces.” Ellie remembered how quickly her good mood had left her, how her feeling of control slipped away in the beads of sweat that had formed from the exertion of getting dressed. She gently tapped Aster’s ankle to indicate that the lieutenant needed to take a step to the side to make it a little easier to pull up. “But then I realised how much that would hurt because my knee was still fucked.” Ellie shrugged as if the memory didn’t bother her much anymore. “So I cried.” 

“What happened next?” Aster’s question was asked quietly, and Ellie appreciated it. She carefully stood and pulled the pants up with her to rest the fabric snugly against the lieutenant’s hips. 

“Well, the nurses wanted to come in and help but I told them to leave me alone to cry for a bit.” Ellie laughed. “And then I made myself push through the pain and do it anyway. Messiest bow I’ve ever tied, but it did the trick.” She did up the button and pulled up the zipper before stepping back, pleased with herself. “There we go.” Her smile dimmed when she realised Aster was just watching her. “What?” 

“Nothing, just -” The lieutenant cleared her throat as she ducked her head to hide her face. “Thank you.” 

“I didn’t do much.” Ellie shrugged, not wanting the lieutenant to get stuck in her own head. She thought of her pa and her ma and of strong people being betrayed by their bodies. “You got your shirt on yourself, at least.” 

“I couldn’t manage the bra.” Aster sounded ashamed, her attempt at a smile not hiding how much she hated it. “But I guess it’s about time to free the nipple, huh?” 

“If it makes you feel any better, I’m not wearing one now either.” Ellie reached out to bring Aster’s hand to her back to feel for the lack of a strap. “It seemed really dumb after not wearing one the entire time I was up in space.”

Aster seemed to choke at this. “You didn’t -” The scandalised expression made Ellie laugh unexpectedly. 

“Lieutenant, I was in that shuttle all alone. I should hope no one could see me, especially since I couldn’t be bothered with clothes most of the time.” A thought occurred to her and she scrambled to add, “Obviously not when I was doing my experiments; that would open up so many avenues for cross-contamination and I would never jeopardise myself or the safety of the project like that -” She yelped when Aster clapped a hand over her mouth to quiet her while she laughed at Ellie’s rambling. The scientist narrowed her eyes. 

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, you’re just - it’s just -” Aster managed to get out before bursting into giggles all over again. Ellie licked the hand still covering her mouth; the lieutenant gasped and yanked it away. “Ellie!” 

The scientist rolled her eyes as she lifted her coffee to her lips. “Please. As if you haven’t had someone lick you before.” And oh, if Aster hadn’t been embarrassed before, she was now. Ellie smiled wickedly as the normally composed lieutenant spluttered angrily, enjoying the rare reversal of their roles. “Now,” she finally said when Aster eventually gave up trying to formulate a coherent response. “You need any help with making your bed or…?” 

The lieutenant’s mouth opened in an instinctive denial, only to snap close again as Ellie simply raised an eyebrow. She nodded apologetically, and Ellie rewarded her with a quick hug that she didn’t let linger before she was moving towards the messy sheets that trailed to the floor. 

Aster stubbornly tried to help, despite Ellie’s first insistence that she didn’t need it. But the lieutenant persevered anyway, holding onto corners and tugging out creases as Ellie returned the place to order in the otherwise untouched room. “Did you just go to sleep after I left or…?” 

“Yeah,” Aster responded, her focus entirely on fluffing a pillow just so. “I was super wiped from the trip up here.” An Academy friend had been heading up to Ohio, she’d explained yesterday over tea. He had been more than happy to drop Aster off in Squahamish. “It was nice to get some rest.” 

Ellie bit her lip, unsure if she should bring up the nightmare. Aster clearly didn’t want to talk about it - had seemed to steel herself even more when Ellie brought up the bruise earlier. But - 

“Sit.” Ellie patted the edge of the bed as she finished pulling the duvet tight over it. The lieutenant raised an eyebrow at the request, amusement playing in the corners of her lips. “Please.” 

Aster shuffled to join Ellie on her side, gripping the footboard to give herself some support as she lowered herself. Ellie waited until she got comfortable before settling next to her, letting out a quiet sigh as she finally got to rest her knee. Her brace creaked as she straightened her legs in front of her. 

“Matt told me about the nightmare.” She deliberately kept her gaze on her shoes - the bows still a little messy but Ellie was learning to be okay with that - not wanting to pressure Aster in any way. “He wasn’t trying to be mean or anything - he wouldn’t kick you out.” Not if Ellie had anything to say about it. “But he was worried.” Kind of. A little white lie wasn’t going to hurt anyone, was it? “We don’t have to talk about it or anything. I just wanted you to know that I’m here for you.” 

A long silence ensued, and Ellie counted her breaths to keep herself calm. Did she just fuck it up? Was it the wrong thing to say? Was it just too much weird? Was it -

“Ellie.” Ellie lifted her head to be met with an unbearably tender gaze. 

(She had a flash of Paul in her mind, the way he had looked at their graduation, whooping and hollering as Ellie walked to get her diploma.)

(Her ma, handing out the last fluff sandwich to her, their arms pressed together in the warm backseat. The doors open, her pa fiddling with the camera, the Second Biggest Ball of Twine in the distance.)

(Her pa, waving her off -)

“You have been so unbelievably kind.” Aster reached out to hold onto Ellie’s hands, her brown eyes searching Ellie’s own. “I don’t know if - I mean, I don’t think now is the right time to talk about it. I don’t know if I can.” She shook her head at herself, and Ellie squeezed their hands in reassurance. The lieutenant smiled softly. “Like I said. I’m not used to being helped.” She did that specific kind of shrug only she did - where she shrugged one shoulder and not the other. “But I’m trying.” She stared at their interlocked hands, seeming to marvel at the sight of it. Ellie’s heart gripped tightly. 

(Fear?)

“Later, then.” Ellie deflected in an attempt to ignore her own feelings. “It definitely sounds like a whiskey situation.” 

“I’m more of a ‘bracing cup of tea’ girl myself, but a whiskey does sound like it couldn’t hurt.” The gratitude in her tone had Ellie distracting herself with studying the bruise as nerves fluttered inside her. “It doesn’t hurt, Ells.” 

“Yeah, well. Contusions could be signalling deeper damage. And I know you army types -” Ellie rolled her eyes as she gently turned Aster’s face from side to side to check the articulation of the joint. “ _ Oh, look at how strong and macho I am! Oh, this bullet in my stomach? Tis but a flesh wound! _ ” 

“Point for the reference, but how very white and heteronormative of you. Not to mention presumptuous.”

“You tried to send me away after you hobbled to the door with your pants around your ankles.” 

Aster pulled away with panic in her eyes. “You promised we didn’t have to talk about it!” 

“Starting now.” Ellie coaxed her back towards her, stifling her smile at the grumbling Aster did as she complied. “Oh hush, you big baby. I won’t ruin your reputation as the big, tough lieutenant.” 

“I  _ am _ big and tough.” 

“You also can’t watch  _ Titanic _ without crying.” 

“That was shared in confidence, Ellie Chu.” 

“And I have not, and will not mention it to anyone.” Satisfied that the lieutenant was alright and without a concussion, she leaned back and smiled. “All done.”

“So what’s the verdict, doc?” Aster grinned playfully, their bantering putting their dynamic back on track. “How long do I have to live?” 

“Unfortunately, it looks like you’re stuck with me for a while more,” Ellie spoke drolly as she stood and stretched. “You don’t have a concussion, but good job on staying up just in case.” 

Aster’s brows furrowed. “How did you know I stayed up?” Ellie raised her eyebrows. “You’re scary smart, you know. Please use your considerable talents for good.” 

“Don’t worry,” Ellie promised as she handed the lieutenant her cane and coffee. “You’ll be the first to hear my bad guy monologue outlining all my nefarious plans.” 

“Ooo, ‘nefarious’. That’s like, an SAT word right there.” 

Ellie swallowed her laughter, but she figured Aster could tell anyway. “Get out of here, lieutenant. We have places to go, people to see.” 

“Yes, ma’am.” Aster’s grin showed off her pretty smile, the bruise invisible in the face of her good cheer. “After you.” 

“Honestly. You  _ army _ types.” 

They were settling in the car when Ellie’s phone buzzed in her pocket. Taking it out with a frown, she checked her normally empty notifications tab to find a text from the woman next to her. She opened her mouth to mention it - only to shut it again when she actually read the words. 

_Lieutenant Aster Flores_ _(11:02)_ thank you again. i’m not as good with words as you are but if you ever wanted to talk about your dad or anything else, i’m here for you too.

Ellie glanced at her passenger in her rearview mirror as she started her car. “All buckled up?” The lieutenant nodded, keeping her gaze firmly out the window. Ellie smiled. 

(Aster’s ears turned red when she blushed.)

(It was adorable.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> leave a kudos if you too would travel four hours (give or take a few light years) to meet a cute girl you've only chatted with online irl


	6. between the ones we love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ellie and Paul make up; Aster and Ellie make out (?)

“Shit, I haven’t had a haircut in ages,” Aster muttered to herself as Ellie parked in Paul’s driveway. Ellie was looking forward to the dinner; it had been a week since Aster first arrived, and they had spent most of their time together driving around Squahamish as Ellie introduced the lieutenant to all of her old haunts. It had been nice, Ellie had to admit. She hadn’t really left the house much since her pa’s passing, despite it being a month or two since. Recalling old memories had been an odd sensation as Ellie tried to parse through the good and the bad. “It must look like shit.” 

“I don’t think so. I like this look on you.” Without thinking, Ellie reached out to twist her fingers in the edges of the lieutenant’s curls. “Is your hair naturally curly?” 

“Yeah.” Aster seemed to be staying very still as Ellie tugged on a lock with a smile. 

“I’ve always wanted curly hair. Alas, I have been cursed with flat Asian hair.” To demonstrate her point, she let go of Aster’s to tug on hers. “So.” 

“You should wear your hair down,” the lieutenant said, cocking her head. “You have such a nice face; I’m sure it’ll suit you.” 

Ellie laughed. “Nice try. I don’t think even Paul has seen me with my hair down - no, wait. There was prom.” She unbuckled her seatbelt as she pulled her keys out of the ignition, habitually running her hand over the train keychain her pa had gotten for her ages ago before tucking it into her pocket. “I’m sure if you ask he’d be happy to show you pictures.” 

“Before or after he takes me outside to fight me?” Aster’s smile was thin and Ellie stopped to notice the other woman’s nerves. 

“Why would he do that? Paul’s like, the least confrontational person I know.” 

“I don’t know,” Aster shrugged. “It was something my dad used to say he would do to any boy I brought home.” Ellie tried not to notice the past tense. When Aster chewed her lip as she stared at the unassuming home in front of them, Ellie decided a nudge was in order. 

“And did he?” 

“Not really,” Aster chuckled wryly. “I mean, once. But then he didn’t know what to do when I brought home a girl instead.” This time when she smiled, it looked brittle. Ellie’s fingers twitched with the urge to brush it away. 

Instead, she gently tapped a finger against the fists Aster had clenched in her lap to open them and slide her hands into. “Well, if Paul does that - which he won’t, I can assure you. But  _ if _ he does, you can name me as your champion. I have a mean right hook.” 

That did the trick. Aster laughed, the sound filling the car and warming Ellie up as well. “You know what? I don’t doubt that for a second.” 

“Plot twist: I’m left handed,” Ellie teased as she squeezed their hands before letting go. “Don’t always trust everything I say.” 

“I don’t know, Ellie Chu,” Aster shook her head as she undid her seatbelt and swung her door open. “You haven’t steered me wrong yet.” 

They make their way up to the porch, Ellie holding her arm out subtly for Aster to hold on to for balance. The door opened before they could knock. 

“Finally! I thought you two were going to ask for dinner to be served to you in takeout boxes in the car!” Paul huffed as he held the door open to usher them inside. Rolling her eyes at his dramatics, she took Aster’s coat from her first before shrugging her own off to hang them up on the rack. 

“What, were you sitting by the window waiting for us or something?” 

“No.”

“He was by the door, actually. He heard you pull in.” Rachel popped her head out of the kitchen with a smile. “Hey again, Ellie.” 

“Hey Rachel. It’s good to see you.” Ellie smiled warmly at her. She tugged Aster forward, the lieutenant looking a bit overwhelmed by everything. “Everyone, this is Aster.” She brushed their arms together in a gesture of comfort. Aster smiled gratefully at her in return. “Aster, this is everyone.” 

“Whoa, Aster,” Paul whistled lowly. “Do you want something for that bruise? There’s a bag of peas in the freezer -”

“Paul -” Ellie began to hiss, having completely forgotten about the bruise on Aster’s face. It had been healing well but still looked like it would hurt. She shook her head to indicate to her best friend that he should stop talking. Paul looked confused. 

“No, it’s okay. It doesn’t hurt,” Aster waved a hand, her smile placid and unbothered. “Ellie checked me over.” 

Paul hesitated a moment, clearly unwilling to let it go. But when Aster flashed him a thumbs up, Paul smiled and headed to grab their glasses from the kitchen. “I would hate to see the other guy,” he chuckled as he held up two bottles. “Red or white?” 

“I don’t drink, if that’s alright,” Aster replied after Ellie asked for some white wine. The lieutenant continued to explain in response to the scientist’s interested gaze. “Four years sober. Wouldn’t want to start again.” Paul’s face morphed into horror. Aster laughed as she anticipated his question. “No, no, you’re fine. I would never want to stop someone else from having a good time. Please. But some water would be perfect.” 

Paul nodded and set to getting Aster her drink as Rachel went to set the table. Ellie took the opportunity to step closer, setting her own wine glass back on the counter. “‘Bracing cup of tea kind of girl’?” 

Aster shrugged as she tucked a lock of hair behind her ear. “It’s not really something that I bring up. I wasn’t sure if you’d, I don’t know - if that would change your perception of me.”

Ellie scoffed. “Aster, don’t be crazy.” This time Ellie didn’t hold back, and reached out to tug on the lieutenant’s fingers. “But I wish you had told me. I would have mentioned it to Paul and Rachel - I don’t want to make it hard for you.” 

Aster softened, the corners of the lips curling upwards a fraction. “Thank you.” And in a flash, that playful smile was back as Aster handed Ellie her wine glass back. “You can make it up to me by having a good time. I live vicariously now; it makes for much better blackmail material.” 

Ellie snorted at that. “Right. Well I know who to be careful of now.” She took a sip of her drink. “For the record, Paul has amazing taste in wine.” Aster nodded sagely. 

“I recognised the label. We had some good times back then, me and that guy.” Aster turned as Paul came up to them, accepting her glass with a wide smile. Ellie quickly lost them to small talk as they discussed vintages and other wine things, debating back and forth the virtues of imported versus homegrown alcohol. She excused herself to see if Rachel needed any help, only to find the food critic beckoning her into the hallway bathroom. 

“This is cozy,” Ellie quipped as Rachel shut the door behind her. She leant against the sink as Rachel sat on the closed lid of the toilet. “Is this where you kill me? ‘Cause I know how horror movies usually start.” 

“Is that her?” Rachel asked excitedly, clasping her hands together in her lap to stop herself from fidgeting. “Your friend?” 

Ellie smiled wryly as she huffed. “That obvious, huh?” 

“She’s pretty,” Rachel shrugged. “But I totally get now why it was such a shock to see her.” 

Ellie sighed as she stared at her shoes, trying to figure out how she felt at the moment. “Yeah, it really was. But it’s weird mainly because she feels like a stranger.” Which was a ridiculous sentiment to have, since Aster had literally been the only person Ellie had talked to for almost a year. “In my head, she’s still like, up there, you know?” She gestured vaguely with her hand. “And down here, I don’t know.” Ellie shifted uncomfortably. “She both feels real and like,  _ not _ .” 

Rachel’s face twisted in sympathy. “I can get how that can be overwhelming.” It was obvious from the food critic’s voice how much she meant it. “I just wanted to pull you in here mainly to check in with you, make sure you’re okay.” 

A surge of gratitude so great made Ellie look away, her cheeks warming. “Oh.” She cleared her throat as she pretended to study the line of bathroom products in the bathroom. “Um, thank you.” 

“No worries.” Rachel reached out to squeeze Ellie’s hands once before letting go and standing up. “You can take another moment alone, if you need to. I’ll just go check in on those two.” 

“Please don’t let Paul start on the embarrassing Ellie stories till I get there,” Ellie begged, wincing at the thought of the numerous things her best friend could be sharing with Aster right now. Rachel grinned mischievously.

“And lose my most obvious chance to get some embarrassing stories of him from you? Never.” Ellie laughed as Rachel opened the door grandly, winking at the scientist in a conspiratorial way as she left. Ellie shook her head at the ridiculousness of the entire situation as she turned to wash her hands in the sink. 

The knowledge that Aster had a history with alcohol didn’t bother Ellie in the slightest - she hadn’t been lying when she told Aster that she had more so wished Aster had shared that with her before. Ellie dried her hands as she tried to distract herself from the idea that maybe Aster just didn’t trust her the way Ellie trusted Aster. The thought stung more than it should.

It was wrong of her to want to hold that against Aster. Clearly the lieutenant had her own demons to deal with. Ellie tried to remember that at least Aster had promised to tell her about things at some point - she felt her chest tighten at the memory of how scared Aster had looked in her room as she admitted to Ellie how hard it was for her to talk about it. It was just harder, Ellie realised, to keep to the spirit of wanting to let Aster go at her own pace when it became clearer and clearer just how much she  _ didn’t _ know. 

(The entire afternoon, as Ellie showed her around, Aster had listened attentively.)

(Nodding at all the right moments, asking all the right questions.)

(Sitting in the parking lot of her old high school, Ellie’s eyes had stung a little as she told the lieutenant about her senior English teacher who encouraged her to get out of Squahamish.)

(Aster had simply reached across the console to place her hand on Ellie’s bad knee. Palm up and open.)

“I’m down here, and she’s up there, huh?” Ellie muttered as she stared at her reflection with tired eyes. She frowned. “Get it together, Ellie Chu. You can’t expect everyone to match your pace all the time.” 

The others had all taken their seats as Ellie rejoined them, apologising for taking so long. Aster tilted her head at the scientist as she took the seat next to her. “I’m fine,” Ellie muttered as she pulled her chair in closer to the table. When Aster raised an eyebrow disbelievingly, Ellie smiled at Paul and Rachel. “This all looks so good.” 

And it was. Paul’s cooking skills had only flourished in Ellie’s absence, and Ellie took great pride in explaining to Aster the few Chinese dishes Paul had added to his repertoire thanks to her pa’s tutelage. He’d made the braised pork baos tonight - Ellie had shared a secret, grateful smile with her best friend when she realised. 

(Paul had simply grinned fully in return.)

Around the time when the dishes were empty and their glasses were full, the conversation turned to the inevitable reminiscing of memories. Ellie had hesitated, still tired from her day with Aster - but then Paul had to challenge her by telling the story about the time he’d had to save her from the faulty lock on the train booth door. 

“So there I was, worried because Ellie  _ never _ missed school. And when I went to her place to ask her pa if she was just home sick or something, I look across the tracks and what do I see?” Ellie rolled her eyes as Paul paused for dramatic effect. “Pressed up against the windows, looking like a puppy locked into a car, is one Ellie Chu. I thought she was going to kiss me when I finally broke the door down.” 

“In my defense, that lock had been screwy for  _ years _ .” Ellie raised a finger as the table erupted in giggles. “And the  _ one _ time it finally messed up enough to lock me in there for an entire night, it was the one night I had a date.” 

Paul’s eyes widened with glee. “Oh my god,  _ yes _ . Danielle Heatherton from Seattle, right?” 

“Paul still calls her that because the girl would not stop talking about how much better Seattle was than this town,” Ellie nudged Aster as the lieutenant’s nose scrunched up. “I mean, yeah it’s true. But she spent like, our entire relationship trying to get me to admit it.”

“You guys still dated?” Aster blinked. Ellie nodded wearily as Paul howled with laughter. The lieutenant winced. “I’m guessing not for long?” 

Danielle Heatherton had been the furthest from Ellie’s type imaginable. But at the time, she was everything Ellie wanted - older, smart, and not from Squahamish. Ellie kicked at Paul’s shins under the table with a scowl. 

“Yeah, she was… a bit much.” 

“She wanted Ellie to like, move in with her in Seattle after like, four months. Gave her an ultimatum and everything.” That was the story she gave Paul at least. What actually happened was that Danielle had let slip how much her friends had wanted to meet her ‘Asian girl’. 

Ellie had broken up with her quick after that. 

“Girls are scary,” Aster winced. Everyone at the table nodded understandingly. “My first girlfriend broke up with me when I enlisted for the army.” 

“You served, Aster?” Rachel asked, taking a sip from her glass before setting it aside. The lieutenant nodded with a small smile. 

“Yeah, I wasn’t always at the Academy. Did two tours in Kabul and then I left to try and go up into space.” Aster shifted in her seat as she felt Ellie’s stare on her. “It was a nice change of pace.” 

“My brothers served too.” Rachel offered when the table fell silent for a beat too long. “Michael was Air Force, and Ryan is still there. He complains about the heat 90% of the time.”

That startled a laugh out of Aster. “Oh yeah, I do  _ not _ miss that. Sweat and sand is such an unattractive combo.” 

Unthinking, Ellie muttered, “Not on you, I think,” as she imagined it in her mind’s eye. Aster, in uniform. Streaks of dirt on her face, a bead of sweat trailing its way down her neck. She swiftly took a sip of her water to wet her dry throat. It took her a moment to realise she’d said it aloud. 

The table burst into laughter as Aster leaned in close with a playful smile. “Why, Ellie Chu. You never told me you had a thing for ladies in uniform.” 

“Oh she totally does!” Paul guffawed, dodging Ellie’s next violent kick. “She always talked about how hot her Academy instructor was - what was her name? Bellweather? Bernard?” 

Groaning, Ellie let her head hit the table. “I am not answering that question.” 

“It was Francine Beltrane wasn’t it?” Aster nodded knowingly, her tone still teasing. “I had the biggest crush on her too. The woman knew how to perfectly crease her pants, for sure. And that standard bun - mmm.” 

Ellie just wished for the ground to open and swallow her whole. 

(Maybe it was better for her heart to know less about Aster.)

( _ Maybe _ .)

\- - - - - 

Paul invited her outside after being shooed out of his own kitchen for clean up duty. “You cook, I clean Munsky. You know the rules,” Rachel had waved a dirty fork at him threateningly. Paul had simply leaned over to press a kiss to her cheek in thanks. 

Aster had insisted on helping Rachel out, the two of them in a discussion about what it was like serving in the military and being the one left behind. Ellie hadn’t expected to feel that warmth that had been growing inside her the entire dinner to grow even hotter at the sight - filling her up like a hot air balloon till she thought she was going to fly away. 

“You know, Paul, if you don’t marry that woman I just might,” Ellie stated seriously. Paul laughed, the sound familiar and full and Ellie felt her heart beat strongly in her chest. 

“Aster’s pretty great too,” he teased. “And she’s actually a lady in uniform.” 

Ellie rolled her eyes. “You’re an asshole, you know that?” They chuckled together as they sat on his back porch, listening to the neighbours bickering over something or other as they enjoyed the night air. Ellie shivered a little, and Paul put his arm around her to share his heat. It was nice.

“You doing alright, Ellie Chu?” The question caught her off-guard. “You just seem to be thinking about something.” 

Ellie wondered when it was that she started being so transparent. “You and Rachel trade notes or something?” 

Paul’s eyebrows rose at the defensive tone. “I don’t need anyone to tell me when my best pal is going through something.” A pang of guilt lanced through her at that. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to pry.” 

“No, no Paul, it isn’t you.” Ellie rubbed at her face, feeling exposed and hating it. This was  _ Paul _ . “I just - it’s been a lot, is all.” 

Paul nodded understandingly, but didn’t say anything else for a long moment. Ellie could feel him thinking though, knew it was like when her friend was trying to find his words. “I just wanted to say I’m sorry, is all,” he began carefully, the words cautious in a way he rarely was with her. “If I said something, or did something to like, push you away.” 

Ellie blinked in confusion. “What?” 

Paul shrugged, jostling her with the movement since she was still under his arm. “It just felt like, I don’t know. You’ve been distant lately. And I know you’re still dealing with your pa and all that, but.” He faltered and looked away, across the yard. “I get the feeling you’re not being honest with me. And usually that’s okay, I know you’ll tell me the important things, but.” At this, he sighed as all his bravery seemed to leave him. “I just miss my best friend, is all.” 

Discomfort crunched her insides, and the words leaving her mouth felt too hot. “What are you talking about Paul? I’m  _ right here _ .” 

“Are you?” Paul pulled away his arm, shifting to give her space he sensed she needed. Damn him. “Because it feels like we haven’t really talked in a long time.”

“Well, I’m sorry I can’t just be your perfect little Ellie.” That was uncalled for, and she knew it. She didn’t need to see the hurt blooming on his face to know that. “I’m sorry I’m going through  _ something _ and I can’t be there to look after your feelings like I  _ always _ do.” Stop, she wanted to scream at herself. Stop hurting the one person who has always been in your corner because you can’t admit that you’re not dealing with things as well as you wish you could be. 

(It was the first time she’d truly vocalised that truth to herself.) 

(It sent another shot of fear so deep and cruel through her, made her want to punch the puppy dog expression off Paul’s face.)

“You know that’s not what I mean.” Paul reached out his hands in an aborted movement - as if he wanted to grab her wrists to make her listen like he used to be able to when they were younger. When Ellie wasn’t so… Ellie. “And I know you’re just lashing out because you’re upset. But I don’t want -”

“What  _ do _ you want, Paul? Huh?” Ellie got up, unable to sit still any longer. “Me to tell you how to fix this? Me to tell you that things will be alright and that I’ll be back to normal soon enough?” Paul looked up at her, utterly lost. “Well, guess what. I  _ don’t _ know, Paul.” Ellie’s face twisted in pain as she admitted it to her best friend for the first time. “I don’t know why I feel so… so numb. I don’t know why I keep pushing you away when I know you’re just trying to help. I don’t know why I can’t sleep because of all these thoughts keeping me up. I don’t know, okay Paul? I don’t know how to be  _ your _ Ellie anymore! And I just need everyone to stop thinking I have all the answers!” She was shouting, she realised. Ellie never shouted. 

(The realisation made her hate herself even more.)

“I’m sorry -” she started to say, but Paul interrupted her. 

“I’m not.” Ellie looked up, and found Paul smiling at her with this small, proud smile. “That was everything I asked for.” Speechless, Ellie shut her mouth and glared, wrapping her arms around her waist. Paul stood to match her, his eyes as kind as they had been the day Ellie had finally admitted her dreams about space. “You feel better?” 

Ellie snorted, feeling tears sting at her eyes. “No, Paul. I do  _ not _ feel better. In fact, I feel worse.” 

“Liar.” Paul reached out to pull Ellie into a hug, and the scientist huffed. “It’s just me.” 

“Exactly.” Ellie sniffled. Damn it all. “You’re Paul.”  _ And I can’t lose you too _ , was what she really wanted to say. Couldn’t lose him to disease or accidents, couldn’t lose him to her own stupidity and lack of ability to communicate. She couldn’t bear it.

(She still remembers how it felt the first day Paul had introduced her to someone else as his friend.)

(She still remembers how it felt like to  _ know _ she was his bestest friend.)

“I get scared,” Ellie murmurs into his shoulder. “I don’t want to admit I am, so I get angry instead. I’m sorry.” Paul made a patient noise as he simply held her close, not wanting her to have to raise her voice any louder. “You’re my best friend. And I don’t want to let you down too.”

Paul pushed her away just enough that he could look into her face. He was smiling - because of course he was. “Not gonna happen, Ellie Chu.” 

“Even if I get mad at you?” 

“Even then.” 

“Even if  _ you _ get mad at  _ me _ ?” 

“Are you kidding?” Ellie was beginning to smile now, biting her lips to hide it. 

“Even if I mess up your kitchen and try to lick all your spoons?” Paul’s eyebrow twitched at the thought, and Ellie laughed. 

“Even then, you idiot.” Paul ruffled her hair in that Paul way, and Ellie yelped as she ducked away from it. “You’re stuck with me.” 

Ellie looked at this man standing in front of her, and wondered when she had missed the memo that he had grown up. Ellie had always been the strong one in the friendship - the one who Paul went to for advice, the one who he would ask questions that he knew would get him judgement instead of answers. Sure, Paul had always looked to Ellie for what to do - but it was only now, in this moment, that Ellie realised she could do the same with him. 

And she felt such a strong sense of guilt and shame wash over her as she hung her head, wishing she could put it all into words. 

“When I got your letter about pa being in the hospital,” Ellie began to speak, unable to look at him. Instead, she studied the shape of her fingers, recalling how it had felt to grip them in her lap as she read, how much it had hurt to dig her nails into her flesh so hard they tore the skin. “I was so  _ angry _ . At pa. At you. I wanted to be up in space forever, just among the stars, and the news brought me crashing back down.” Ellie felt terrible even as she felt relief. Inside, her stomach was roiling, making her a little nauseous. Ellie needed to sit down. 

“You know, I avoided opening the harddrive from Central for as long as I could? I even fucking made my bed - which is super stupid, considering it’s literally a sleeping bag strapped to a wall.” Ellie chuckled at the memory, realising how absurd the entire thing had felt in that moment. “But even when I had run out of every imaginable thing to do, I didn’t open that fucking letter for another two days. It just floated by the cockpit. Mocking me.” Sometimes it would float into her view when it would block the light coming off the sun, making its presence known in the shadows of her little space station. Ominous without even trying. 

Ellie sighed as Paul rejoined her on the steps, a gap between them in case Ellie wanted the space. “And when I finally read it - I ignored it for as long as I could.” Ellie could have been on Earth much earlier, was what she was trying to tell him. Ellie could’ve been there while her pa was dying. 

“I know I was wrong. And cowardly. And any number of horrible, terrible things.” Her pa never got around to writing to her up in space, preferring instead to relay messages through Paul. Easier that way, her pa had insisted the last time they talked before Ellie went up to space. Paul was a white man who understood what pa meant to convey. “But I didn’t want to go home.” 

Didn’t want to be responsible for her pa anymore. 

Ellie hung her head as she waited for Paul to pull away. To scold her, to slap her, to call her the cold, heartless bitch she had called herself every single day since the first time she saw her pa in the hospital when she got back. 

Instead he reached for her hand and held it. Ellie sucked in a harsh breath, the air cutting her throat as it entered, making her feel cold. “Go on,” was all Paul said, his entire being  _ patient _ . 

“But I loved him, Paul. Love him still.” Sure, he was largely absent mentally for most of her teenage life. Made her responsible for not only looking after herself, but also him when she needed him the most. But he was still her pa, and he didn’t deserve to die like that. 

(So full of unrealised potential.)

(So lacking in good memories with Ellie.)

“I didn’t deserve him. I was a bad daughter when it mattered, and I failed him.” Paul squeezed her hand. Just once. “I never got to know him. And now I never will.” 

The silence after that statement settled between them. Stretching, pulling, tugging - until Ellie finally gave in to her urge to lay her head against Paul’s shoulder. He was thinking. And Ellie loved him for it.

“When we were driving to pick up some things you needed for the Academy - this was a month or so before you actually left - he told me about the day you guys left for America.” Ellie turned to look at his face, but his gaze was distant. Turned inward. “He said you had been crying, the entire way to the airport. Just wailing. Nothing your ma or pa did or said could calm you down.” Ellie doesn’t remember this. Barely remembered China - her impressions of it blurry and coloured over with scenes from movies, television in some expressionist form. Ellie hadn’t thought of her homeland in  _ years _ . 

(Not since her ma died.) 

“Eventually he got mad at you, and slapped you across the face. Right there, in front of security at the airport.” Paul winced as he said this, as he had no doubt done when he had heard it the first time. “He said you went quiet. Immediately. Just stared up at him with this look on your face. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but it was something like - like in that moment, you were  _ finally _ seeing him for the first time. Not as a father, but as a person. And it shook him. Because he had this moment of doubt.” Paul finally met her gaze with a sad smile. “He was afraid. Of him being just like his father. Of not being able to be the father  _ you _ needed him to be.”

Ellie huffed as she looked back out across the yard. The neighbours had finally gone quiet, their light going out downstairs. It made the yard clearer, as the light from the moon could finally fall against the grass, the trees. Painting everything in its blues. 

“He said a bunch of things after that too, but it was in Mandarin so I kinda had to guess at things.” Paul’s shoulders lifted with his light chuckle. “He always did that when he wanted to say things he didn’t actually want anyone else to hear. He just wanted to be able to say them, you know? At least once.” Ellie didn’t know, because of course she hoarded her ability to speak her native tongue like gold. A precious thing, taught to her by her ma’s good-natured nagging, and her pa’s consistent efforts. So her pa could never hide from her in that way. 

(She wonders how many untold stories he died with, which words he had never been able to say to her?)

“He did love you, Ellie.” Paul seemed relieved to be able to tell her that. “He didn’t show it, and it definitely doesn’t erase all those years he wasn’t there for you. But he did. I know he did.” Paul ducked his head. “Maybe I’m being biased, because your pa felt more like my dad than my own - but he would’ve understood. Why you did what you did.” 

That same feeling from before, the one where she felt like a hot air balloon about to fly away - Ellie felt it again, erasing almost all the nausea from revealing her secret. “I always  _ knew _ you were gunning to be pa’s favourite child.” It was light and teasing, and Paul laughed - like,  _ really _ laughed. 

(And later, when she tells Aster this, the lieutenant will laugh as well.)

(Ellie needed to stop this habit of cracking jokes in tense situations.)

“I mean, I am a boy. Aren’t Chinese people really into having sons?” Ellie smacked him good and hard for that. “I’m just saying…” 

“You are an idiot, Paul Munsky.” A gross, sappy idiot who was full of wisdom and perception behind his goofy smile. Ellie suddenly felt eighteen again, the two of them sneaking beers from his family’s fridge and drinking in their train carriage - wondering when their imagined future would arrive. “Stop being gross.”

“Feelings are good, Ellie. Say it with me - every trouble you share makes the burden lighter.” And Ellie might have humoured him, except he sing-songed it in the way he knew she  _ hated _ . 

And so she clamped her hands over her ears and started to sing the alphabet song loudly, getting up to escape back into the house as Paul scrambled to follow behind her. And when she had the back door locked behind her as she leaned against the wood, grinning maniacally at the incredulous looks she was getting from Rachel and Aster in the living room, enjoying the sound of Paul throwing a tantrum at being  _ locked out of my own house, Ellie Chu? Your pa would be ashamed! _

In that moment, Ellie felt like she was back up in space all over again. 

\- - - - - 

The next evening, when Ellie picked Aster up again for their dinner date - no,  _ hang out, Ellie Chu _ \- the lieutenant had a picnic basket on the ground next to her and a wide smile on her face. 

“I thought we were trying out that Italian place tonight?” Ellie asked as she rolled down the window to peer down at the basket. “That’s a really big purse, otherwise.”

“It’s to stuff all the free breadsticks they’ll have into,” Aster replied casually, opening the backseat to lift it into the car. She was walking much better now, Ellie noted, glad to see Aster putting the cane in the back too. That meant the swelling had finally reached a manageable place and the muscles were building themselves back up. Aster ducked into the passenger seat with that same upbeat energy. “I thought I’d surprise you - well, it’s not really a surprise, since I told you about it like, forever ago.” 

Ellie frowned as she threw the car into drive, hesitating a moment more to clarify their destination. “So… italian first?” 

Aster nodded with that distractingly bright smile. She kept up the secrecy throughout the entirety of their dinner despite Ellie’s many attempts at getting her to break. She even went so far as to threaten to tell the waiter that Aster had screamed when she saw a cute corgi on the street during one of their walks. 

(She almost had her then - Ellie could see her cheer falter for a beat before it came back with even more determination.)

But when they had finally split the tab and were making their way back to the car, Ellie was still none the wiser. 

“Okay, so this is kinda where my plan gets a little improvised since, you know, I still can’t drive like this and all.” Aster gestured to her legs as Ellie got the heater going. Winter was already nipping at the air, despite it feeling like fall had barely gotten its grips into the small town. “But just imagine I’m the one driving, and you’re like, three glasses into the wine.” Ellie shook her head at that, because of course Aster had wanted Ellie to indulge. 

(Ellie didn’t want to admit that maybe she would have, just for tonight.)

(The place  _ did _ have a good selection of wine - for small town Squahamish.)

“So where would you be taking me?” Ellie leant back in her seat as she waited for directions. Aster ducked her head again, running a hand through her hair. 

“This is also improvised, because I can’t take you to my favourite place. But you can take me to yours. If you want.” Aster looked up at her with hopeful eyes. “I know it’s like, really lame already and we don’t have to do it if you don’t want to -” 

“Chill out,” Ellie huffed as she pulled out of their spot. “I’m just thinking there might not be enough space for the both of us, where I want to take you.” 

That place being the train booth where Ellie had spent almost her entire life in, before she met Paul. Even in elementary and middle school, before her ma died - Ellie had snuck in and just read books or did her homework in there. The schedule of the train soothed her, she’d explained to her worried parents. She knew the evening trains meant she’d stayed out too late; the morning trains signaled when she should be up. The afternoon trains tracked the passing of time during the afternoons when she got caught up in a new novel, eager to get away from her reality for a while. Ellie’s favourite place was the train booth because it was where she went to be alone - but not lonely. 

“Are we going to your place?” Aster asked as they trudged along the platform from the station parking lot. Ellie had tried to take the basket from the lieutenant as they walked, but Aster had held firm and assured her that she could handle this much. Besides, Aster had teased, Ellie was just offering because she was fishing for more clues as to what was going to happen next. 

(She wasn’t all the way wrong.)

“Close.” Ellie hopped onto the tracks, careful of her brace and knee before she turned to offer Aster a hand to help. When Aster had safely made her way onto the tracks, Ellie led the way to the unobtrusive train booth that was as familiar to her as the inside of her little space station had been. 

She only realised she was still holding Aster’s hand when she had to let go to hold the door open. Aster didn’t comment on it, thankfully. She was too busy taking in the little room, setting the basket under the ledge that served as a table. Ellie was surprised to find the signal lamps still tucked away under there - she hadn’t been back in here since she’d been back, since the station ran on an automatic system now. She reached in for the brick she used to prop the door open during the summer, and wedged it in the gravel before leaning against the open door frame. 

“Welcome to the train booth.” It really wasn’t that grand, when Ellie thought about it. She doubted Aster would find it lame, but maybe Ellie should’ve picked a different place. Something better suited to whatever Aster had planned. She winced as she began to apologise, worried that she’d ruined it. “We can go somewhere else if -”

“This is perfect.” Aster grinned as she shrugged off her jean jacket with some effort as Ellie watched. She draped it over the wobbly barstool Ellie had saved from a curb on her way home from school. “Mind if I take the stool?” 

Ellie waved her off as she dragged the original chair that had been in here just beside Aster. As they settled, Aster used her foot to nudge the basket. “You can open it now.” 

Trying to hide her excitement, Ellie reached over to flip the lid, gasping when she saw the contents and finally put the pieces together. “Aster,” she murmured, reaching for the bottles of beer and non-alcoholic sparkling cider in there. They were cool to the touch, and Ellie recognised the labels as being from some of the micro-breweries Paul knew. “You didn’t.” 

“I’m surprised you didn’t put it together earlier,” Aster teased as she accepted the bottle of cider. “For someone so smart, you sure can miss the obvious.” 

“Shut up, it was ages ago.” Ellie stood to do her neat trick of popping off the cap on her belt buckle. Aster was suitably impressed, whistling lowly as Ellie took her first sip with a cocky grin. She held her hand out for Aster’s, to do the same. “I can’t believe it either.” 

“Told you I was playing the long game,” Aster winked as she held her bottle out for a toast. Ellie tapped their drinks together and got comfy, closing her eyes against the breeze and the taste of her favourite beer on her tongue. 

They chatted like this for a long time, losing track of time as they always did when they hung out. It was a special thing that only Aster could do, Ellie realised. Spending time with her made Ellie feel like there was nothing else demanding her attention, always. 

It was much later when Ellie finally glimpsed the time on her phone, her eyes widening as she turned to flash the screen to Aster. “Any minute now,” she said cryptically in response to the lieutenant’s confused stare. “Wait for it.” 

And at exactly when she expected it, the tracks began to tremble with the oncoming train, the engine rumbling loud even before the train was visible. Ellie laughed as Aster sat up attentively, watching the horizon for the first sight of the train. Ellie reached out for the signal lamps, feeling goofy and nostalgic and young. She walked out to where she used to always stand, the lamps at the ready by her sides. 

The train, when it came, pulled into the station neatly. It was a passenger train, Ellie noted, staring into its windows at the weary travellers inside. This late, it was mostly people returning home from work in the big city, along with the odd college student heading for a quick weekend trip home. No one got off at Squahamish - barely anyone did. The lone person waiting on the platform stepped on, and when the conductor signaled to Ellie that they were good to go, she held up the signal lamps when the road barriers further along the tracks were all the way down. 

As the train began to churn its way out of the station, Ellie turned and nearly stumbled straight into Aster, who had come out to join her on the tracks. The lieutenant caught her easily, bracing her with her hands on Ellie’s arms and that same warm smile tinged with something else Ellie had never been able to place. 

“Oops, sorry,” Ellie rushed to apologise, dropping one of the lamps to rest her hand on Aster’s waist to help steady herself. 

“I got you,” Aster shrugged easily. The train rumbled off into the distance, the silence between them suddenly becoming heavier and sharper in its absence. Ellie realised then how close they were - she could feel the heat coming off Aster’s body, just the tail-end of the other woman’s breath on her face. Reflexively, her fingers on Aster’s waist adjusted their grip to hold her better, and there was no way Ellie could have missed the way Aster’s breath caught, the way the lieutenant seemed to go utterly still. 

It would be so easy, Ellie heard that small voice of hope inside her say. So easy to lean up and close that distance between their lips. In that moment, Ellie felt like she suddenly knew why movies had been made to tell stories of love. 

(It was for moments like this - where the protagonists reach that point of understanding that they - unlike almost everything in life - were inevitable for each other.) 

But before Ellie could do anything, Aster stepped away, staring after the train and stuffing her hands into her pockets. She was saying something, but Ellie couldn’t hear her over the sudden buzzing in her ears. 

“What?” she said dumbly when Aster looked over at her expectantly. The lieutenant opened her mouth as if to repeat herself, but ended up closing it again with a bittersweet set to her features. 

“You know I would want nothing more than for that to happen,” Aster said slowly, measuring out the words as she said them. But her hands remained tucked away, and she wasn’t really looking into Ellie’s eyes like she normally did. “But I can’t do it if it’s gonna be a one-time thing.” Ellie felt like this moment would be something unforgettable, seeing Aster willingly open up to her first. 

“You know where I stand in this,” Aster continued, the corners of her lips struggling to pull upwards. “I’ve made that very clear, and I’m still waiting on an answer. I don’t want to pressure you, Ellie, but I don’t know if I can wait much longer.” And Ellie wonders when it was that she became the person that hurt the people that meant the most to her. “It kind of hurts, is all. Not knowing.” 

“Aster, I…” Ellie struggled, wishing she could be as composed as Aster always was in situations like these. Wished she could be strong. But Aster seemed to understand this, because she simply shrugged a shoulder like she always did and began to talk so Ellie could try and gather her thoughts. 

“You know, at first when I reached out to you, you were just - I just wanted to get under your skin.” Aster giggled at a memory. “I remember you used to be so formal with me, calling me lieutenant this, lieutenant that. I hated the ceremony of it all. So I started to try and needle you.” So she  _ had _ been annoying on purpose. Ellie would file that away for later. “And even though you ignored me, I always got the sense you were listening. It was little things - this quiet laugh when you were trying to hide you found something funny, the sound of things being moved or hitting against other things in the middle of a story I was telling. You felt present. Comforting. And because you never said anything back, I felt like I could tell you anything and I’d still be safe.” 

Ellie clenched her jaw as she remembered turning Aster down on her comms - to quiet, but never to silence. Aster’s voice became the sound of leaves rustling in the wind, just on the edge of her attention. 

“But then you started speaking back, and I felt like I was getting somewhere, and so I kept pushing and pushing - because I always push, I don’t know how to do anything else - and then we started really having conversations and the more I got to know about you, and your science the more I began to look forward to talking to you, to learning more about you, and I just -” Aster paused to take a breath and Ellie was helpless to do anything else but listen. That same pained smile was on the lieutenant’s face as she whispered the last part, resigned and quiet. “I fell for you.” 

Ellie wished she could feel something besides dread. Dread, filling her up from that gaping hole she called a heart - where it used to sit in her chest, but hollowed itself when she lost first her ma then her pa. Ellie wished she had that same veracious belief in Aster that she had in Paul - that it didn’t matter if Ellie was falling too, because she knew Aster would be there to catch her. 

But maybe that was the soft and the heart of it - the reality of love and why movies were made for moments like the one they had shared before. That maybe love was messy and non-linear and just required faith - something Ellie had in short supply. 

Faith that things would work out alright. That when Ellie would turn to look next to her, Aster would be there with her too. 

Something shifted inside her then, breaking through the dread and the nerves and the fear. Something small and bright and hopeful. 

“You didn’t let me finish,” Ellie whispered, stepping close again, bringing them closer than they had been before. Aster looked silly as she tried to keep Ellie’s face in focus, leaning back so she wouldn’t go cross-eyed. “Before.” 

Aster frowned at herself, trepidation beginning to paint itself on her features. “Sorry, I just - I needed to make sure -” 

“I was going to kiss you, lieutenant,” Ellie bumped their noses together, moving to her tiptoes to do so. Aster sucked in a breath, still. “And then I was going to ask that we take it - this thing between us - slow, if that was okay?” Ellie traced her hands down the lieutenant’s arms to free Aster’s hands, tangling their fingers together. “Because I want this.” 

“You  _ want _ -” Aster’s voice cracking brought a smile to Ellie’s face. The lieutenant blushed and cleared her throat to try again, looking like she wanted Ellie to forget that had ever happened immediately. “You want  _ me _ ?” 

In lieu of a response, Ellie simply closed the rest of the distance between them to kiss her. It was a chaste, careful kiss - more of a press of lips than anything else - and Ellie fully intended to pull back to clarify it for Aster in words because she was beginning to understand that the lieutenant needed to  _ hear _ things in order to believe them, that she couldn’t just feel - 

But Aster whimpered when Ellie began to lean away, freeing a hand to desperately grip the back of the scientist’s neck to pull her close again, to slip her lips between hers in a proper kiss that took Ellie’s breath away. 

(And oh, Ellie should have know that Aster kissed the way Aster made Ellie feel -)

(Weightless and warm and  _ safe _ -)

(Like being among the stars, whiling the time away with her plants and Aster’s voice in her ear.)

“Yeah?” Was all Ellie managed, when they pulled away for good. Foreheads pressed together, hand holding the other’s. Ellie felt more than heard Aster’s agreement, letting herself get pulled into a hug that felt just as good as the kiss did. 

“I got you,” Aster repeated, soft and gentle and  _ there _ . Ellie pressed a kiss to Aster’s collarbone in gratitude. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> honestly i don't even know what's happening anymore will someone do me a favour and summarise what you think this story is about hahaha
> 
> thanks to everyone still reading/ commenting/ liking this!


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